A 2018 update post

life passes fast, doesn't it? And in other ways it drags on and situations seem neverending. 

The Farm:
The latest update about our land/house situation is that we purchased my sister's share and the sale went through on the first of February.  So we now own all the land and the house and if there comes a time when she has the means and the desire, the option is there that she can buy back some land.  But as for now, it's ours.  Her car stopped working at the end of February (because she claims she didn't know it was as bad as it was...down to 0 brake pads in the front and hardly any in the back and she had worn grooves in the rotors....not sure how in the heck you wouldn't know!!) so the months of March and April were made deciding on a new car.  She finally purchased one and our next step is making her get her things out of the house.  I'm frustrated and annoyed with everything that is in here that isn't ours.  Our lives have been turned upside down long enough and my kids deserve better than this.  I have so much anxiety and stress when I think about dealing with her.  Bon has stepped up and helped out a lot with talking with her because he can actually have a conversation with her.  She usually just steamrolls me and I get too upset about that fact that I end up either blowing up or shutting down.  Neither of them healthy options. 

Reagan:
She turned 15 in March and applied and interviewed for a job at an ice cream place in Findlay.  Her schedule is busy this spring, so she might be given a call later this summer or fall, but she's hopeful that she'll work there because a couple of her friends work there as well.  She joined track and tried out and made the squad for next year's cheerleaders.  She is also going to try out on piano for jazz band.  She just got contacts and is excited about those.  She's taken good care of them so far.  She still continues to get good grades.  This summer she'll go to Europe for a week with a group from school.  They're going to London, Paris, and Rome.  In the fall, the marching band is going to Disney, so that's another thing she's excited about.  She's really a good kid and I'm glad that she's comfortable enough with me that she still thinks I'm cool and talks to me.  Her sense of humor is top notch and she's growing into a wonderful young lady. 

Ryan:
He'll turn 14 in June.  Last year he grew about 8 inches and his voice dropped so much that he sounds like Bon.  I think I still have an inch on him, but I bet by the end of the summer he'll outgrow me.  He went with the 8th grade to Washington DC the second week in April and was able to help lay the wreath for the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.  Out of his class, only 4 were chosen and they were chosen by the essays they had written.  Reagan was able to help last year, so we told Ty he has big shoes to fill.  ;)  His wrestling season ended really well.  He ended up first in his weight class in the BVC.  He really enjoys wrestling and it's a lot of fun to watch him too!  He's doing track this spring and is on a spring league for baseball.  He'll also do summer league baseball and then after that it'll start right back into football.  Man, I'll be excited when he can take himself to and from practices! He's a smart guy too and it gets him into trouble a little bit here at home sometimes with our wifi rules.  But all in all, he's a good kid.  Has a heart of gold and hides his sensitive side.  I see that he jumps in to help younger kids (his brothers included) and he's nice to others.  One of his best friend's mom is the youth pastor at a church in McComb and Ryan has been going to their youth group on Sunday nights.  He's planning on going to a youth retreat in June or July with their group also, so I'm glad he's choosing good friends. 

Ty:
He's 11 now and sometimes we forget how young he is.  We've noticed just in these last few months that he's matured some and is less likely to argue and complain about things.  He still dawdles when I ask him to do things, but I think that's common.  ;)  He is so outgoing that I don't think he knows a stranger.  Isn't it a saying something about "There are no strangers, just friends you haven't met yet"?  That should be his motto.  His teachers say he brings life to the classroom, although sometimes he has to tone it down a little, but he's funny and smart and quick witted!  He tried out for jr high cheerleading and made the squad!  I was so proud of him for stepping outside his comfort zone! He tried baseball last year and realized that he doesn't like it, so we kept trying to find something he likes to do.  This year in 6th grade, they started band, so he's been learning trombone on my old one.  He sounds pretty good and according to him, he's the best one in the 6th grade.  I'm not sure how accurate that is, but Ty can be a good story-teller.  He recently broke his finger by colliding with another kid, but he's healing okay.  He's waiting for a growth spurt and sometimes he'll clear his throat after talking and claim his voice squeaked.  (it doesn't matter if it actually did or not...again...great story-telling)  He is our bare minimum guy though.  His grades aren't high like R & R's, but it's only because he does what he has to and that's good enough for him.  He's smart though, just doesn't see the need to do extra.  :)

Evan:
He turned 8 in January and has a couple of countdowns already set.  He wants to dye his hair when he's 12 and in 10 years he'll be an adult.  I'm not sure if he throws that second one in there to make me feel old or what, but it works! He is in 2nd grade and it's getting to the time of year when I think they must start reviewing things and he gets bored because he's not learning.  His reading level is actually into the 3rd grade level, but his teacher can only put him down for the highest 2nd grade level.  And here they still do S and U for their grades, so he get's good S's.  He's also got a quick sense of humor and his teacher has commented that she'll try to pull one over on him and he's on to her too fast.  :)  He is doing baseball again this spring, but really wishes they would do spring soccer here instead. 

Bon:
He started in March working out a couple days a week.  I can tell a difference in his appearance and I'm glad that he's taking the time for himself.  His travel for work wanes and ebbs.  Sometimes he'll be home all week, gone just one night/day, or sometimes a few days/nights at a time.  The spring has been a wet/snowy/cold one, so he hasn't gotten out to the woods as much as he would've liked, but it's starting to act like spring finally, so I'm sure he'll be out there in no time. 

Me:
I'll be honest and say that moving here has been hard.  I feel like I'm just stuck.  These long winters suck and they're hard.  I'm pretty lonely.  I have been trying to become more involved with school things with the kids, so that gives me things to do and interactions with people. I do work one day a week at a shop in Grand Rapids and that has been fun to get out of the house and feel like I contribute in some way other than running kids around.  I know I have this false sense of "I'll be happier when...", so I try not to rely on the when and just try to be happy now.  It will get better, it always does.  But for now, I smile and push through. 

Overall:
We are all doing well.  We enjoy spending time together and we push each other to be better people.  We are doing the best we can as parents and I think we're doing a darn good job.  We're trying to teach our kids to be honest, respectful, to treat others kindly and without judgment, and we love our children so much.  Bon and I have been closer than we ever have before and I value him tremendously. 

And here are my final thoughts.  Our path has changed a lot in this last year.  We get reminded every so often that it's not the right path according to others, but we have decided it's the one we want to take.  We are happy.  We are closer as a family and more in tune with each other than we were before.  We didn't take our path because of laziness.  We didn't take it to rebel.  We know many don't understand and think we're on a fast path to nowhere.  But nevertheless, we are on it.  And just because our path is different, it doesn't mean we're lost.  And that's the hardest part; knowing other people don't believe that either.   In the end, we just want to be loved as much as we love.  Without strings.  Without guidelines. Without condition. 

 

Coming out of the dark

This winter has been hard.  I've really been struggling with depression/SAD and I can't find my UV light.  I remember packing it, but not with what and of course I didn't label the boxes with EVERYTHING that is in them.  But, I am determined to get out of this funk.  I'm looking forward to spring and looking forward to change, whenever or whatever that will be.

Our house has finally sold and we closed on the 26th of February.  That's exciting for us.  Now we save and get some things fixed around here.  The washer died last week with a load of clothes in it, so that will be our next big purchase.

Ryan is at Camp Michindoh (Mish-in-dough) this week for 6th grade camp.  He was packed by Saturday night for a Monday departure.  I dropped him off at school that morning and had to chase him to get a hug.  How embarrassing to hug your mom! He didn't appreciate me telling him I loved him either.  haha! Bon is in Georgia this week for sales training meetings, so it's been quiet around here.

I signed up to do a Ragnar race with some friends from Georgia.  It's a road race with 12 member teams that run 3 legs each.  We are running from Chattanooga to Nashville.  I'm trying to get to the gym to condition each week, but so far this week I haven't made it.  I really, really want to be ready for this race, as I've heard it's taxing.  But I think it sounds so "fun". lol I want to be able to say I've done one.  Been there, got the sticker kinda thing.  Plus I'm hoping I'll become healthier by exercising more.

Slowly working on me this year.  Lots of things in this crazy head of mine that need sorted out.  I wish that I could just make a list or draw a picture of what I see in my head and then once it's down on paper, it just happens or I solve the problem.  But that would just make life too easy I suppose!

unsettled

That's just how I feel lately.  Unsettled.  We're living here, but not really.  It still feels weird to be here, since I feel like it's still Grandma's house.  99% of our belongings are here, but probably 2% are actually inside the house.  I believe myself to be such a hand's on, do it myself kind of person that it's really wearing on me to not feel like I can do anything without prior consent.

We had a breakthrough the other week where she blah blah'd at me for moving "her" stuff again.  Well...everything in here except for what we have brought in, is hers.  I'm not calling her to ask every time I need to move something around.  She's going to have to get over that.

And today while we were on the phone, instead of clamming up, I decided to speak my mind.  And the more I did, the more angrier and frustrated I became because she has an answer to everything! We didn't leave the conversation mad at each other, which is a step forward, but I was so angry and frustrated at her and myself (for caring so much I guess) that after we hung up I was shaking and cried a good bit.  It's those kind of conversations that can ruin a day.

In other news, the older kids got their grade cards.  All A's for Reagan, all A's and one B for Ryan and A's and B's for Ty.  He has really done well here.  I think it's the slower pace and the lack of feeling like you're only learning for the state testing that is making him enjoy school.

Bon is in Minnesota for the week.  He'll be home Friday and then Saturday and Sunday we'll be in Chicago.  He's going to set up a trade show and we're tagging along.  He'll then be in Chicago all week.

Our house is going on the market Thursday, I believe.  We've had some friends helping us wrap up the final touches and a contractor doing some of the remaining handyman stuff.  I really hope it sells fast.  It's a great neighborhood.  I miss it.

We still don't have any callings at church.  But we were asked to speak on the 22nd about thanksgiving with scriptural references and what it means to Latter-day Saints.  It's not just about delicious food, a parade, and a dog show?????  huh.  ;)

Recovery

Last Thursday I started coming down with a low fever and a cough.  I thought it was the flu.  But the dang fever kept hanging around and I was having trouble catching my breath when I would cough.  So I finally went to the doctor on Wednesday and was diagnosed with bronchitis.  5 days on antibiotics and I feel like a new woman.  I still have a yucky cough, but I'm not hanging out in bed with no energy.  Luckily no one else has showed any symptoms, so it must have just been a freak thing.

Friday I was so tired and just starting to feel better, but I was having a horribly emotional day.  I missed GA and my friends so much.  Then I would cry.  Then I would think if I missed my friends that much, how much must the kids miss their friends?! And I would cry some more.  Then I thought of Evan and how his best friend moved to UT, so even if we visited GA, he wouldn't get to see Finn and guess what?  I'd cry some more.  I just felt like a total goober.  And poor Bon.  He does what he can to help me, but I just think the emotional mess of it all throws him for a loop.   Kinda like "be nice to Mom, but stay away from her" kind of things.  Ha!

Bon got some shelves set up in the garage and on the front porch.  So we have 99% of the boxes out of the living room now.  I was starting to feel caged in.  I am waiting for some negativity about some of the boxes being moved to the garage, but she hasn't been here yet.  Plus she doesn't live here, so I can't let her control this.  I need to make that my mantra.

This week I will be trying to catch up on things I didn't do while sick.  Like...cleaning the bathroom.  My visiting teachers are coming on Tuesday, so that will be nice.

Fight #3

I'm not sure I am emotionally strong enough for this.

Doesn't she realize that I uprooted my family for her?

Can't she use some of her "Christian-ness" and see how what she does effects other people and not just see only the wrongs that have happened to her?


I don't understand how one person can be so unhappy all the time.  When I'm unhappy, I darn well try and change it because I don't like being unhappy.  I don't expect others to make me happy or Heavenly Father to give me something to make me happy.

Love this!! I wish everyone knew this is how to live life.
 

Tomorrow is a new day.  Again.  ha!

control

We've been moved for a month now and I had my first breakdown and ugly cry this week.  I'm surprised that it hasn't happened before, quite honestly, since I'm usually an emotional basket-case when we move.  But this week I just felt heavy.  An unshakable weight of burden and frustration and anxiety were bearing down on me and I broke down.  I called Bon and expressed my feelings and he is just so good to me.  He knows exactly what to say and how to say it so I can understand that my thoughts are way crazy, without telling me my thoughts are way crazy.  :)  I miss him while he's gone.

I love this little house.  Sure, it's old and the layout is weird and we're really tightly packed in right now, but I do love it.  But the one thought/fear/frustrating thing I keep thinking about is any time my sister comes over, I wait for her to let me know what I've done, what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling....it's not the way they did things.  Any change I want to make to the house will be met with criticism and I've expressed this to her before.  I can't live that way, because even though I look tough (ha!), I'm really not.  I think that is why I feel dread every single day, wondering if she'll come over and "catch" me doing something the way they would never do it.  Bon reminded me that we're helping her see how normal people live.  And he reminded me that I can't control anyone but myself.

I came across this quote on Pinterest the next day.

"I learned the hard way that I cannot always count on others to respect my feelings, even if I respect theirs.  Being a good person doesn't guarantee that others will be good people.  You only have control over yourself and how you choose to be as a person.  As for others, you can only choose to accept them or walk away." -unknown

I know I can't walk away, but sometimes I wish I could.

The thought of building a new home is tempting.  New! Shiny!  Level floors! But I think deep down, I'd really just like to remodel this house and make it ours.  Only time will tell.

Our new old home

I say the word "home" loosely, as it's just a house to me right now.  As easy as it would be to just have a major purge of belongings that are not mine and 50% mine, I know the wrath that would accompany the purging.  So my family just is in a really long transition phase.

I'm trying to do little things that makes this less "grandma's house" and more "our home" but truth be told, it is going to take a lot.  And first we have to decide what the better long-term choice will be: build a new home or completely remodel this one.  So I wait.  Trying not to let my DIY fingers get too itchy.

I think the kids are doing well at settling into the small school atmosphere.  Reagan is working hard at trying to find the right kind of friends to be friends with.  And so far, they have all proclaimed that they are learning everything they learned last year.  So we're expecting outstanding grades.  ;)

So we just do what we can.  Wake up and start a new day.  Try not to let anxiety and frustration overwhelm us.


p.s. picture(s) to follow soon.  I apparently haven't synced my phone to dropbox lately and it's going super slow.  As in...it's still downloading May 2015.