rambling

Since my last post was "enlightening", I of course have to have another post to bring you off of that high.  ;) 

The last week or so, I have just been feeling blah.  Not sick or under the weather, just a lull of happiness.  I've been feeling unappreciated/overlooked/underpaid (ha!), unheard, just...like my only goal in life is to clean up after my kids and be the maid of the house.  Just nod my head and go along with whatever they need/want. 

And it's so frustrating!  Bon asked if I follow through.  I don't know.  I think I do, but they just don't seem to care.  I'm just Mom and not a person to them. 

So he told the kids that our family is like a swim team and if someone stops swimming, then they drown and/or don't go anywhere.  He told them that I feel like they have stopped swimming and they need to start swimming so our family doesn't drown. 

Which is great, but I still get the feeling that once the week goes on, we will be floundering again.  Maybe it is me.  Maybe I am the one who needs to change. 

Being whole

The other day I looked in the mirror and nit picked my body. I saw everything that was wrong with it (in the eyes of me.)

And then as I rocked Evan to sleep, I sat pondering about my body. How whole it is. How I need to be more grateful for the things it can do and care less about what I wish it was.

My head can perform 4 out of the 5 senses. That's pretty awesome.

My arms can hold my kids, give hugs, fix boo boos.

My legs can chase my kids in a game of tag, pick up my kids for "airplane" rides, warm up cold feet underneath the covers.

My back can give piggy back rides, horsey rides, bend down to pick up and soothe away tears.

My heart. It can burst with pride. Fill with love. Ache with I shoulda's. Shoulda said I loved more, hugged more, said I was proud more, said I was sorry more.

My body, although not perfect in my eyes, is perfectly perfect. It does what it needs to do, what it can do. It has done a lot, performed miracles even. (if you think about growing a baby as being a miracle)

It's whole.

Expectations

I feel like I put pretty high expectations upon myself. Must do this, must do that, must have this and that done, must, must, must. (I do not want a bigger bust.)

All of these expectations really stress me out.

And the hard part of all this is...I can't stop.

I can't stop beating myself up over the fact that I never have the whole house clean at the same time. Or that my clothes sit in piles on my bedroom floor because the last step in laundry taunts me and buries me under it's guise of being ever so hard, when it's ever so easy. And then I put the clothes away and think, Ahhh...no more laundry, so like a fool I don't do it for ....a while... and there it all is again. Then I wonder how many times do I need to repeat this cycle before I can snap out of it? lol

Maybe it's endless.

I love to do projects. To build things. To create/copy. I am also really good at starting something and never finishing it. Or trying to cram a months worth of projects into a week.

So the easy fix would be to lower my expectations. Right? Sounds easy enough.

But it's super hard because as I look around and see the state of disaster that is my house, I think..."I'm pretty sure my expectations are somewhere around -80."

So that's what a good night's rest and tomorrow will bring. More energy and time to make the negative into positive.

And I have figured out why I can't lose weight.