Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Here's my last two weeks

It's been very busy. We took a whirlwind trip up to my grandma's house to visit with them. We hadn't been there since Christmas. It was good to see her and my sister. The kids enjoyed having sleepovers, except for the earache and headache that ailed two of my kids in the middle of the night on two different nights. Oh well.
My kids loved the red maple growing in the front yard. I remember when it was planted some 20 years ago and it's just now perfect pre-schooler climbing size. (except they were too chicken to climb it by themselves.)

Ty decided that he needed Grandma-great to wash his feet at the table and then have her put socks (gocks) and shoes (she-oos) on. He sat there patiently as she did this.

Then there was walking with Grandma-great.

We came home for a couple nights and then packed up again to head to Virginia to attend Bon's brother's retirement ceremony. It was very patriotic and I'm so glad that we went. Here's one picture from the ceremony. He's the one on the right. Thanks Bry for serving our country.

The rest of the time in Virginia was fun too. We went to Williamsburg. I'll have to steal some pictures from my sis's-in-law when they post them on our family site.

The kids did get a chance to take a bubble bath in a really big tub. There's about 10 inches of water and then the rest is bubbles.

We left Saturday evening to drive to Charlotte to do some house hunting. We drove around all day Sunday and most of Monday and bored the kids to tears. We found a really lovely neighborhood that we both loved. We can't buy a house until this one want to buy our house?? C'mon! You'll love it.

But since we were more south than Ohio, the weather was warmer. It was mid-80's while we were there and the kids wanted to swim. Since I'm not able for a couple more weeks, Bon had to get in the really, really cold pool with them. lol So here's what I did while they swam.

That's right. I lounged. lol

And when I say that the kids swam, really I mean that they mostly hung on to the floaty thing Ty was in while Bon pulled them around.

And here's driving into the neighborhood we loved. Notice the trail across the road? Well that'd be a trail for golf carts. It's kind of nestled between some holes on a golf course, so it's nice and quiet.

Here's the potential lot we'd buy. It's on a cul-de-sac. That's some of the course behind the trees.

And here's the one style of home that we liked, but it probably wouldn't be the one we would build on that lot (if we were to actually buy the lot. I'm trying to be realistic and know that we probably will not live here.) But seriously, look how gorgeous this house is. *sigh*

I'm glad to be home. It was nice to get away and nice to see some of the family. I always have so much fun with Bon's family. It's so much less stressful than being with mine. :)

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Maybe not

Maybe I'm not quite ready to be out and among those who really don't grasp the whole "I'm still very sad about this" issue. It's no one's fault, really, that I had to leave the room before bursting into tears. I'm not placing blame on anyone, but seriously if any persons will be discussing ultrasounds and heartbeats around me in the near future, give me ample warning so I can exit before hearing your opinions.

I decided today that I'm going to clean up the kitchen and then get out my sewing machine and make my girl a new dress. Now she's suddenly opposed to pants (which isn't new, but annoying), skirts and most of her dresses. She likes one dress at the moment. Maybe I can whip up one that she'll wear that isn't specifically for Sunday's.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Kind gestures

Today I got a package in the mail. It was from a woman that I've met only once in real life, but she is someone that I have come to love and call a friend by being on an LDS forum together. Our sick and twisted humor/minds get along well and if we didn't live states away from each other, we'd hang out. Often.'s what she sent me. It's the Willow Tree "Angel's Embrace" figurine.

I am so grateful for the friendship we have and for her thoughtfulness. If you read my blog, girly, thanks again.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Fire and Rain

When you're feeling down and blue, Fire and Rain by James Taylor will definitely make you cry. Especially if you're grieving the loss of someone. Holy heck.

So I've been trying to get the house ready to sell. I washed all the walls and doors in Reagan's room, spackled the holes, washed her windowsill and screen and caulked around the window ledge thingy. Caulking is not my thing. I'm not too good at it, but it looks a little better. I need to do two or three more things in her room and then it'll be all ready and presentable. Ty's room is next. I usually get geared up to do a big project like that when it's nap time though, so it might be a while before I get to his room. I started some laundry today. That's big for me, in case you just met me and didn't know that I have suddenly realized I hate doing laundry. It's not the sorting, washing, drying and folding that's so bad. It's the putting away. I don't know why that is such a hindrance for me. I also picked up some toys off the basement floor. I'm trying to get the basement all cleaned out except for the couch, tv, some toys and the foosball table. That means bringing up all the boxes that are in the closet under the stairs. I would like to get a storage unit sometime this week. Tomorrow maybe. It's supposed to be nice weather on Saturday. We could spend a few hours unloading our house into a unit and then I wouldn't feel so cluttered.

In case you wonder how I'm doing, since I've become a recluse, is I'm still just so-so. I feel happy moments and can find humor in things, but the weight of sadness still is in me. I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to go anywhere where people know me and will give me sympathetic looks. I want to go to church on Sunday to see the kids sing up front, but I want to go late and leave right after so I won't have to talk to anyone. I feel like I should be over this, but then realize it's only been a week. I looked at the clock this morning and it struck me that it was a week ago exactly that I looked at the clock at the same time after delivering our baby. And I have nothing to show for it. There's nothing there. I have nothing to hold, feed, change, stare at and adore, smell, sleep with. I've struggled with wanting to try again vs. being happy with what we have. I have yet to turn this over to Heavenly Father. I am feeling a little abandoned by Him right now, to be honest. I need to have faith and all that, but now, right now, I just can't exercise that part of my spirit. I will work on exercising my faith when I can shut my eyes and not picture my sadness anymore.

Monday, May 05, 2008

A great loss

Coming home from the hospital without our baby has honestly been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I've really been trying to keep it together. Put on my happy face and come to terms with the reality of the situation. But it really sucks. My kids really don't know anything is different with me. But I can feel a deep sadness that is all-consuming right now. I cry at night after they are in bed so that my tears won't scare them. There is an emptiness that my arms can feel. I know I have many that I could talk to, but right now I'm still not ready. I don't know what feeling ready will be like. I know that Bon is sad too and that breaks my heart into more pieces. They say the first week is the hardest. When the first week is over, I'll have to see if that's true or not.