Wednesday, March 02, 2016

Coming out of the dark

This winter has been hard.  I've really been struggling with depression/SAD and I can't find my UV light.  I remember packing it, but not with what and of course I didn't label the boxes with EVERYTHING that is in them.  But, I am determined to get out of this funk.  I'm looking forward to spring and looking forward to change, whenever or whatever that will be.

Our house has finally sold and we closed on the 26th of February.  That's exciting for us.  Now we save and get some things fixed around here.  The washer died last week with a load of clothes in it, so that will be our next big purchase.

Ryan is at Camp Michindoh (Mish-in-dough) this week for 6th grade camp.  He was packed by Saturday night for a Monday departure.  I dropped him off at school that morning and had to chase him to get a hug.  How embarrassing to hug your mom! He didn't appreciate me telling him I loved him either.  haha! Bon is in Georgia this week for sales training meetings, so it's been quiet around here.

I signed up to do a Ragnar race with some friends from Georgia.  It's a road race with 12 member teams that run 3 legs each.  We are running from Chattanooga to Nashville.  I'm trying to get to the gym to condition each week, but so far this week I haven't made it.  I really, really want to be ready for this race, as I've heard it's taxing.  But I think it sounds so "fun". lol I want to be able to say I've done one.  Been there, got the sticker kinda thing.  Plus I'm hoping I'll become healthier by exercising more.

Slowly working on me this year.  Lots of things in this crazy head of mine that need sorted out.  I wish that I could just make a list or draw a picture of what I see in my head and then once it's down on paper, it just happens or I solve the problem.  But that would just make life too easy I suppose!

Monday, November 02, 2015

unsettled

That's just how I feel lately.  Unsettled.  We're living here, but not really.  It still feels weird to be here, since I feel like it's still Grandma's house.  99% of our belongings are here, but probably 2% are actually inside the house.  I believe myself to be such a hand's on, do it myself kind of person that it's really wearing on me to not feel like I can do anything without prior consent.

We had a breakthrough the other week where she blah blah'd at me for moving "her" stuff again.  Well...everything in here except for what we have brought in, is hers.  I'm not calling her to ask every time I need to move something around.  She's going to have to get over that.

And today while we were on the phone, instead of clamming up, I decided to speak my mind.  And the more I did, the more angrier and frustrated I became because she has an answer to everything! We didn't leave the conversation mad at each other, which is a step forward, but I was so angry and frustrated at her and myself (for caring so much I guess) that after we hung up I was shaking and cried a good bit.  It's those kind of conversations that can ruin a day.

In other news, the older kids got their grade cards.  All A's for Reagan, all A's and one B for Ryan and A's and B's for Ty.  He has really done well here.  I think it's the slower pace and the lack of feeling like you're only learning for the state testing that is making him enjoy school.

Bon is in Minnesota for the week.  He'll be home Friday and then Saturday and Sunday we'll be in Chicago.  He's going to set up a trade show and we're tagging along.  He'll then be in Chicago all week.

Our house is going on the market Thursday, I believe.  We've had some friends helping us wrap up the final touches and a contractor doing some of the remaining handyman stuff.  I really hope it sells fast.  It's a great neighborhood.  I miss it.

We still don't have any callings at church.  But we were asked to speak on the 22nd about thanksgiving with scriptural references and what it means to Latter-day Saints.  It's not just about delicious food, a parade, and a dog show?????  huh.  ;)

Sunday, October 04, 2015

Recovery

Last Thursday I started coming down with a low fever and a cough.  I thought it was the flu.  But the dang fever kept hanging around and I was having trouble catching my breath when I would cough.  So I finally went to the doctor on Wednesday and was diagnosed with bronchitis.  5 days on antibiotics and I feel like a new woman.  I still have a yucky cough, but I'm not hanging out in bed with no energy.  Luckily no one else has showed any symptoms, so it must have just been a freak thing.

Friday I was so tired and just starting to feel better, but I was having a horribly emotional day.  I missed GA and my friends so much.  Then I would cry.  Then I would think if I missed my friends that much, how much must the kids miss their friends?! And I would cry some more.  Then I thought of Evan and how his best friend moved to UT, so even if we visited GA, he wouldn't get to see Finn and guess what?  I'd cry some more.  I just felt like a total goober.  And poor Bon.  He does what he can to help me, but I just think the emotional mess of it all throws him for a loop.   Kinda like "be nice to Mom, but stay away from her" kind of things.  Ha!

Bon got some shelves set up in the garage and on the front porch.  So we have 99% of the boxes out of the living room now.  I was starting to feel caged in.  I am waiting for some negativity about some of the boxes being moved to the garage, but she hasn't been here yet.  Plus she doesn't live here, so I can't let her control this.  I need to make that my mantra.

This week I will be trying to catch up on things I didn't do while sick.  Like...cleaning the bathroom.  My visiting teachers are coming on Tuesday, so that will be nice.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Fight #3

I'm not sure I am emotionally strong enough for this.

Doesn't she realize that I uprooted my family for her?

Can't she use some of her "Christian-ness" and see how what she does effects other people and not just see only the wrongs that have happened to her?


I don't understand how one person can be so unhappy all the time.  When I'm unhappy, I darn well try and change it because I don't like being unhappy.  I don't expect others to make me happy or Heavenly Father to give me something to make me happy.

Love this!! I wish everyone knew this is how to live life.
 

Tomorrow is a new day.  Again.  ha!

Sunday, September 13, 2015

control

We've been moved for a month now and I had my first breakdown and ugly cry this week.  I'm surprised that it hasn't happened before, quite honestly, since I'm usually an emotional basket-case when we move.  But this week I just felt heavy.  An unshakable weight of burden and frustration and anxiety were bearing down on me and I broke down.  I called Bon and expressed my feelings and he is just so good to me.  He knows exactly what to say and how to say it so I can understand that my thoughts are way crazy, without telling me my thoughts are way crazy.  :)  I miss him while he's gone.

I love this little house.  Sure, it's old and the layout is weird and we're really tightly packed in right now, but I do love it.  But the one thought/fear/frustrating thing I keep thinking about is any time my sister comes over, I wait for her to let me know what I've done, what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling....it's not the way they did things.  Any change I want to make to the house will be met with criticism and I've expressed this to her before.  I can't live that way, because even though I look tough (ha!), I'm really not.  I think that is why I feel dread every single day, wondering if she'll come over and "catch" me doing something the way they would never do it.  Bon reminded me that we're helping her see how normal people live.  And he reminded me that I can't control anyone but myself.

I came across this quote on Pinterest the next day.

"I learned the hard way that I cannot always count on others to respect my feelings, even if I respect theirs.  Being a good person doesn't guarantee that others will be good people.  You only have control over yourself and how you choose to be as a person.  As for others, you can only choose to accept them or walk away." -unknown

I know I can't walk away, but sometimes I wish I could.

The thought of building a new home is tempting.  New! Shiny!  Level floors! But I think deep down, I'd really just like to remodel this house and make it ours.  Only time will tell.

Wednesday, September 09, 2015

Our new old home



I say the word "home" loosely, as it's just a house to me right now.  As easy as it would be to just have a major purge of belongings that are not mine and 50% mine, I know the wrath that would accompany the purging.  So my family just is in a really long transition phase.

I'm trying to do little things that makes this less "grandma's house" and more "our home" but truth be told, it is going to take a lot.  And first we have to decide what the better long-term choice will be: build a new home or completely remodel this one.  So I wait.  Trying not to let my DIY fingers get too itchy.

I think the kids are doing well at settling into the small school atmosphere.  Reagan is working hard at trying to find the right kind of friends to be friends with.  And so far, they have all proclaimed that they are learning everything they learned last year.  So we're expecting outstanding grades.  ;)

So we just do what we can.  Wake up and start a new day.  Try not to let anxiety and frustration overwhelm us.


p.s. picture(s) to follow soon.  I apparently haven't synced my phone to dropbox lately and it's going super slow.  As in...it's still downloading May 2015.

Tuesday, November 04, 2014

So apparently it's been a year.

A year since I posted here.  Really?  Hm.

So a quick update on us.

Bon just celebrated his 35th birthday.  He has been traveling more and more lately and in the midst of his traveling, he has lost two pairs of dress pants.  So we went shopping and got him some new pants and shirts.  He has been going to Canada, Chicago, Oklahoma as of recent and I'm not sure when his next trip will be.  We always like having him home though.

This season, he coached Ty's soccer team and their last game is this Saturday.  He said it's good timing because the boys are starting to get grumpy.  :)

He is still Elders Quorum President and although his counselors are good, he still goes to meetings and has things to do within his calling.  Plus the High Councilman over our ward likes to think he's in charge and that makes Bon's eye twitch.  It's still weird to me every time someone calls him President Carter though.


I am doing well.  And as normal I have too much that I want to get done, so I start on one thing and then don't finish it.  I'm slowly trying to declutter our house, but I think it reproduces at night.  I need to stop being so lenient with what I keep.

Right now I've been working on getting the wallpaper down in the kitchen.  I was going to repaint, but the corners were peeling up and I peeled it up and lo and behold, there are two layers of wallpaper on.  Plus a border.  Plus they papered on unprimed walls, which has led to a few choice words and will lead to me basically refinishing the wall before I can paint.  So the project has taken longer than I ever wanted.  But I am going to paint the walls a color called Mayapple Yellow (by glidden), so it will be bright and look good with the white cabinets we have.

My calling right now is Primary Chorister and I LOVE it!  I was so terrified/nervous my first Sunday but since then, I have just completely fallen in love with it!  A few weeks ago, we played a game and they picked something out of the bag with a song attached and dressed me up with crazy glasses and headbands.  We played a game a couple of weeks ago where they rolled dice and came up with the song and how we sang it.  So we ended up singing Families Can Be Together Forever like robots.  It's just so much fun!

Reagan is in middle school now and has gotten over the jitters she had when she first started.  She's made some new friends and kept some other friendships alive from elementary school.  She is taking P.E. this 9 weeks and Bon and I chuckle on those days because she looks like such a tomboy wearing black shorts/pants with a white/gray shirt.  She doesn't feel comfortable changing in the locker room yet, so she wears the clothes all day.  "You aren't even allowed to change in the bathroom, Mom, you *have* to change in the locker room!"

Ryan is doing great in 5th grade.  He has a great, fun teacher this year and even though his bff isn't in his class, he has still made new friends and is getting good grades.  His goal was for all A's, but he missed that this last nine weeks.  Still A's and B's though.  He loved doing baseball and asked to do lacrosse next, but I am tired!  lol  It will be nice to not have somewhere to be every night.  He does need something to do, so I'm not sure what will be next.  Sports are so expensive here, compared to Belmont.

Ty is his usual exuberant self.  Full of life and laughter.  His teacher said it took her a couple of weeks to figure out that he would daydream and be chatty, but yet he could still get his work done in time.  He has enjoyed soccer and like Bon, I think he's glad he's done.  He wants to do gymnastics next.  I told Bon that I was thinking Ty would do great in a hip hop dance class.  He said "I'm not sure we want to encourage that..."  lol  But we do need to keep him active, since he's a little more plump.  (but dang cute)

Evan is in preschool and has blossomed so much!  Within the first 2 weeks he turned into a chatterbox!  His first day of school, I asked what he did/who he met, etc.  All he could tell me was there was a pretty girl in his class that wore a pink dress and pink pants that went all the way around.  HAHA!  I finally figured out who the pretty girl is and I told her mom.  It was so cute!  He's at a Methodist church for preschool, so they incorporate prayer and scripture into the day.  He sang the prayer they sing before lunch and it ends with "amen, amen", but Evan sings it "Aw-man, aw-man".  He had a top tooth pulled the beginning of September.  He had bumped it as a toddler and it was dead.  There was an abscess on his gum that was holding puss, so the tooth needed to come out.   Shortly after they pulled that, his bottom front tooth was loose and fell out and then I just pulled the other front bottom one out the other day because it was barely hanging on.  I've never had a kid lose teeth so early!  So he's quite toothless and cute!  (the other bottom ones are growing in though)

In other news, we are looking around here for a house with more land and in a quiet place.  We have two dogs now and our backyard backs up to a busy highway/street.  There's constant traffic noise and it has been two plus years and I'm still not used to it.  The process is going slow, though, because we'd really like to stay in our ward and in the school district.  So while we wait, we work on this house to get it pretty.  :)