We've been moved for a month now and I had my first breakdown and ugly cry this week. I'm surprised that it hasn't happened before, quite honestly, since I'm usually an emotional basket-case when we move. But this week I just felt heavy. An unshakable weight of burden and frustration and anxiety were bearing down on me and I broke down. I called Bon and expressed my feelings and he is just so good to me. He knows exactly what to say and how to say it so I can understand that my thoughts are way crazy, without telling me my thoughts are way crazy. :) I miss him while he's gone.
I love this little house. Sure, it's old and the layout is weird and we're really tightly packed in right now, but I do love it. But the one thought/fear/frustrating thing I keep thinking about is any time my sister comes over, I wait for her to let me know what I've done, what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling....it's not the way they did things. Any change I want to make to the house will be met with criticism and I've expressed this to her before. I can't live that way, because even though I look tough (ha!), I'm really not. I think that is why I feel dread every single day, wondering if she'll come over and "catch" me doing something the way they would never do it. Bon reminded me that we're helping her see how normal people live. And he reminded me that I can't control anyone but myself.
I came across this quote on Pinterest the next day.
"I learned the hard way that I cannot always count on others to respect my feelings, even if I respect theirs. Being a good person doesn't guarantee that others will be good people. You only have control over yourself and how you choose to be as a person. As for others, you can only choose to accept them or walk away." -unknown
I know I can't walk away, but sometimes I wish I could.
The thought of building a new home is tempting. New! Shiny! Level floors! But I think deep down, I'd really just like to remodel this house and make it ours. Only time will tell.