Thursday, May 08, 2008

Fire and Rain

When you're feeling down and blue, Fire and Rain by James Taylor will definitely make you cry. Especially if you're grieving the loss of someone. Holy heck.

So I've been trying to get the house ready to sell. I washed all the walls and doors in Reagan's room, spackled the holes, washed her windowsill and screen and caulked around the window ledge thingy. Caulking is not my thing. I'm not too good at it, but it looks a little better. I need to do two or three more things in her room and then it'll be all ready and presentable. Ty's room is next. I usually get geared up to do a big project like that when it's nap time though, so it might be a while before I get to his room. I started some laundry today. That's big for me, in case you just met me and didn't know that I have suddenly realized I hate doing laundry. It's not the sorting, washing, drying and folding that's so bad. It's the putting away. I don't know why that is such a hindrance for me. I also picked up some toys off the basement floor. I'm trying to get the basement all cleaned out except for the couch, tv, some toys and the foosball table. That means bringing up all the boxes that are in the closet under the stairs. I would like to get a storage unit sometime this week. Tomorrow maybe. It's supposed to be nice weather on Saturday. We could spend a few hours unloading our house into a unit and then I wouldn't feel so cluttered.

In case you wonder how I'm doing, since I've become a recluse, is I'm still just so-so. I feel happy moments and can find humor in things, but the weight of sadness still is in me. I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to go anywhere where people know me and will give me sympathetic looks. I want to go to church on Sunday to see the kids sing up front, but I want to go late and leave right after so I won't have to talk to anyone. I feel like I should be over this, but then realize it's only been a week. I looked at the clock this morning and it struck me that it was a week ago exactly that I looked at the clock at the same time after delivering our baby. And I have nothing to show for it. There's nothing there. I have nothing to hold, feed, change, stare at and adore, smell, sleep with. I've struggled with wanting to try again vs. being happy with what we have. I have yet to turn this over to Heavenly Father. I am feeling a little abandoned by Him right now, to be honest. I need to have faith and all that, but now, right now, I just can't exercise that part of my spirit. I will work on exercising my faith when I can shut my eyes and not picture my sadness anymore.


Anonymous said...

((hugs)) is all I have. I'll have to go look up that song now. I'm not sure I've ever heard it.

The Mommy said...

Your feelings are so true, and so raw. I think it is ok to feel abandoned. Let Him know that's how you feel. Yell at Him and cry to Him. When the time is right you'll feel "over" it some. Don't rush what you are feeling. ((hugs)) and prayers to you all.

Good luck on the house too!

Christine said...

Becky you are in my prayers. Take as long as you need to grieve and work through your feelings. I just read a book called the Shack that dealt with the loss of a child and walking through it with God. ((HUGS))

Goat Girl said...

"I don't want to go anywhere where people know me and will give me sympathetic looks."

I feel the exact same way, although my situation is quite a bit different. Huge hugs!