Sunday, April 23, 2006

Emotional days

Ever have one of those days that starts out right? Everything is just routine and normal as possible and then as the day progresses, it just gets worse? And I'm not talking about schedules and activities, but about emotions. I had one of those days on Friday. Everything was hunky-dory and then as my day wore on, it was like self-pity and depression just took over and by 4pm, I was bawling my eyes out while scrubbing the tub. The phone rang in the midst of this and I didn't hear it, so Bon pokes his head into the bathroom to let me know I had a phone call. All I can do is shake my head and continue crying. Luckily I calmed down enough to have him ask the question I had originally called for that morning (and had to leave a message). Being the great guy he is, he came back in and talked with me. What was wrong with me?? I'm tired. I'm tired of pretending to be happy all the time. What makes me think I have to be happy all the time anyways? Why is it that I carry that guilt if I'm not? I'm tired of how our house is. I told him that I just want everything to be done. A year. We've lived here for almost a year and I still have no kitchen. I just want to walk into my kitchen and make some cookies or make some bread. Make a real meal without having to time the microwave with the toaster oven because if they are both on at the same time, the circuit trips. When people learn that our "kitchen" is in our basement and consists of a small fridge, utility sink, electric skillet, microwave and toaster oven, they say how sorry and what can they do to help. Well....nothing really. Are they gonna fork over the money for some new cabinets or flooring? Have they invited us over for dinner at all? Nope. I guess that's okay, but man, that's just when my self-pity starts in. And I know that a lot of people have it worse than us. That makes me feel more ungrateful, knowing that I'm complaining about this, when some people don't even have any of what I have. And then it makes me think that hopefully someday when I am able to give, that I do. That if I see a need, that I'll be able to fill it.

I don't know where my post is headed. Just some ramblings I guess. But maybe I'll urge all of you readers, that if there is something that you can do for someone else, even if it's just small and might be unnoticed, do it. Your life will be blessed. You will feel something that borders on euphoria, because whenever I serve others, that's what I feel. That absolute calm, peace, happiness, richness, love. And what a better place we would all be in, if we experienced those kind of feelings daily.

5 comments:

Heather said...

((hugs)) Becky!

Stacy said...

(((HUGS))) Becky.

Stacy said...

btw, I think there are a lot more moms out there who feel just like you a lot more often than they will admit. Sometimes we think that if we can't do it ALL perfectly right at the moment it needs to be done then we have failed. That is not true! There is a reason we have a Savior - and not JUST for our sins! Cast your burdens upon Him and run far far away!!! He'll take care of them so you can get back to scrubbing the tub... or the toilet... or the floors... or the kids...

Rachelle said...

Hugs!

ubercyl said...

I'm sorry you don't have a kitchen. I can barely cook well in a fully functioning kitchen. I can't imagine how you cope! You are amazing!