Monday, December 17, 2007

It's times like these

After having an argument with my sister last night, I'm glad that I married into a normal, loving family. I cried for hours after she hung up on me last night. My husband was confused at why I was crying and all I could say was that it hurt. I don't know what hurt, but it just hurt. It amazes me that after 18 years, she can still hold grudges and be hurt by people. Sure I remember 18 years ago. I remember the change of having our dad remarry and all the changes that occurred after that. I know that we were just "step- children" and that she (the step-mom) really didn't like the way we did anything. My sister was 16 and it was hard on her because she has always had this mothering way about her and having to give that up to some other woman was a struggle. They fought all the time. She moved out and I had a hell of a rough teenage life myself, but to hang on to that for this long is just exhausting. I do think about all the hurt and words that were said to me, like no one would ever love me, I was stupid, etc., etc., but forgiving people is what makes a person move on. My step-mom has changed. She had severe depression, but wasn't diagnosed. I understand that. But my sister hasn't. She continues to hang on to how we were treated. How our dad didn't stand up for us. How everything at that time was all about keeping his marriage alive. It just makes me sad for her. How miserable she must be as a person to hang on to past hurts like that.

So this all started with a conversation about our Christmas with that side of the family and how she doesn't want to go after what happened at our last get together. According to her, our step-mom and our grandma (who really does like to get in everyone's business) jumped on her and told her that she should get a double mastectomy. Honestly I was there and no one ever said anything remotely close to that, but that's how she interpreted what they were trying to say to her. A little back history. Our mom died from breast cancer, our aunt died from ovarian cancer. We are high risk. My sister is 34 and has never been to a gyn. Our mom died when she was 40 when she died. They were trying to tell her that getting check ups were the key to preventing this disease. But my sister is so set in her ways that she thinks she knows her body well enough that if she were to get the disease, she would be able to handle it. Why wait to get the disease? It's like she's just waiting to get cancer. Like she expects it. It makes me sick. She's not married, no kids, doesn't date, lives with our maternal grandmother out in the sticks. She has surrounded herself with old people. And at times I know she blames me. She told me once that I'm living the life she always wanted, but now she's stuck taking care of grandma. I know that Grandma would want her to be happy. Would want her to get out and see people her own age. It's just so frustrating that she thinks she's being all martyr like and really all I see is a sad, old, bitter woman stuck in a 34 year old's body.

I just need to move past this. This is going to occupy my thoughts today I can tell and I really don't want those thoughts in there. I just want some happiness for her, but don't know how to help her find it.

1 comment:

Amy said...

(((Becky))) I hope things work out between your sister and you. I know how hard it is though when someone hears what they want. My sister does the same thing. She has thankfully moved on from most of her problems. I hope yours can do the same.