unsettled

That's just how I feel lately.  Unsettled.  We're living here, but not really.  It still feels weird to be here, since I feel like it's still Grandma's house.  99% of our belongings are here, but probably 2% are actually inside the house.  I believe myself to be such a hand's on, do it myself kind of person that it's really wearing on me to not feel like I can do anything without prior consent.

We had a breakthrough the other week where she blah blah'd at me for moving "her" stuff again.  Well...everything in here except for what we have brought in, is hers.  I'm not calling her to ask every time I need to move something around.  She's going to have to get over that.

And today while we were on the phone, instead of clamming up, I decided to speak my mind.  And the more I did, the more angrier and frustrated I became because she has an answer to everything! We didn't leave the conversation mad at each other, which is a step forward, but I was so angry and frustrated at her and myself (for caring so much I guess) that after we hung up I was shaking and cried a good bit.  It's those kind of conversations that can ruin a day.

In other news, the older kids got their grade cards.  All A's for Reagan, all A's and one B for Ryan and A's and B's for Ty.  He has really done well here.  I think it's the slower pace and the lack of feeling like you're only learning for the state testing that is making him enjoy school.

Bon is in Minnesota for the week.  He'll be home Friday and then Saturday and Sunday we'll be in Chicago.  He's going to set up a trade show and we're tagging along.  He'll then be in Chicago all week.

Our house is going on the market Thursday, I believe.  We've had some friends helping us wrap up the final touches and a contractor doing some of the remaining handyman stuff.  I really hope it sells fast.  It's a great neighborhood.  I miss it.

We still don't have any callings at church.  But we were asked to speak on the 22nd about thanksgiving with scriptural references and what it means to Latter-day Saints.  It's not just about delicious food, a parade, and a dog show?????  huh.  ;)

Recovery

Last Thursday I started coming down with a low fever and a cough.  I thought it was the flu.  But the dang fever kept hanging around and I was having trouble catching my breath when I would cough.  So I finally went to the doctor on Wednesday and was diagnosed with bronchitis.  5 days on antibiotics and I feel like a new woman.  I still have a yucky cough, but I'm not hanging out in bed with no energy.  Luckily no one else has showed any symptoms, so it must have just been a freak thing.

Friday I was so tired and just starting to feel better, but I was having a horribly emotional day.  I missed GA and my friends so much.  Then I would cry.  Then I would think if I missed my friends that much, how much must the kids miss their friends?! And I would cry some more.  Then I thought of Evan and how his best friend moved to UT, so even if we visited GA, he wouldn't get to see Finn and guess what?  I'd cry some more.  I just felt like a total goober.  And poor Bon.  He does what he can to help me, but I just think the emotional mess of it all throws him for a loop.   Kinda like "be nice to Mom, but stay away from her" kind of things.  Ha!

Bon got some shelves set up in the garage and on the front porch.  So we have 99% of the boxes out of the living room now.  I was starting to feel caged in.  I am waiting for some negativity about some of the boxes being moved to the garage, but she hasn't been here yet.  Plus she doesn't live here, so I can't let her control this.  I need to make that my mantra.

This week I will be trying to catch up on things I didn't do while sick.  Like...cleaning the bathroom.  My visiting teachers are coming on Tuesday, so that will be nice.

Fight #3

I'm not sure I am emotionally strong enough for this.

Doesn't she realize that I uprooted my family for her?

Can't she use some of her "Christian-ness" and see how what she does effects other people and not just see only the wrongs that have happened to her?


I don't understand how one person can be so unhappy all the time.  When I'm unhappy, I darn well try and change it because I don't like being unhappy.  I don't expect others to make me happy or Heavenly Father to give me something to make me happy.

Love this!! I wish everyone knew this is how to live life.
 

Tomorrow is a new day.  Again.  ha!

control

We've been moved for a month now and I had my first breakdown and ugly cry this week.  I'm surprised that it hasn't happened before, quite honestly, since I'm usually an emotional basket-case when we move.  But this week I just felt heavy.  An unshakable weight of burden and frustration and anxiety were bearing down on me and I broke down.  I called Bon and expressed my feelings and he is just so good to me.  He knows exactly what to say and how to say it so I can understand that my thoughts are way crazy, without telling me my thoughts are way crazy.  :)  I miss him while he's gone.

I love this little house.  Sure, it's old and the layout is weird and we're really tightly packed in right now, but I do love it.  But the one thought/fear/frustrating thing I keep thinking about is any time my sister comes over, I wait for her to let me know what I've done, what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling....it's not the way they did things.  Any change I want to make to the house will be met with criticism and I've expressed this to her before.  I can't live that way, because even though I look tough (ha!), I'm really not.  I think that is why I feel dread every single day, wondering if she'll come over and "catch" me doing something the way they would never do it.  Bon reminded me that we're helping her see how normal people live.  And he reminded me that I can't control anyone but myself.

I came across this quote on Pinterest the next day.

"I learned the hard way that I cannot always count on others to respect my feelings, even if I respect theirs.  Being a good person doesn't guarantee that others will be good people.  You only have control over yourself and how you choose to be as a person.  As for others, you can only choose to accept them or walk away." -unknown

I know I can't walk away, but sometimes I wish I could.

The thought of building a new home is tempting.  New! Shiny!  Level floors! But I think deep down, I'd really just like to remodel this house and make it ours.  Only time will tell.

Our new old home

I say the word "home" loosely, as it's just a house to me right now.  As easy as it would be to just have a major purge of belongings that are not mine and 50% mine, I know the wrath that would accompany the purging.  So my family just is in a really long transition phase.

I'm trying to do little things that makes this less "grandma's house" and more "our home" but truth be told, it is going to take a lot.  And first we have to decide what the better long-term choice will be: build a new home or completely remodel this one.  So I wait.  Trying not to let my DIY fingers get too itchy.

I think the kids are doing well at settling into the small school atmosphere.  Reagan is working hard at trying to find the right kind of friends to be friends with.  And so far, they have all proclaimed that they are learning everything they learned last year.  So we're expecting outstanding grades.  ;)

So we just do what we can.  Wake up and start a new day.  Try not to let anxiety and frustration overwhelm us.


p.s. picture(s) to follow soon.  I apparently haven't synced my phone to dropbox lately and it's going super slow.  As in...it's still downloading May 2015.