Thursday, February 12, 2009

Searching for myself

I've been doing some soul searching lately. Some digging down deep, trying to figure out who I am, what my purpose is, trying to find happiness or a sense of normalcy. I've been trying to find out why I feel the way I do and how I can get it to stop. I've always considered myself a strong person. Not only physically, but mentally. I've had one hell of a life. But I'm coming to my breaking point. I am struggling to hold on to me. My strength is running out and I'm finding it hard to hang on anymore.

2008 was such a hard year for me. From mid-January until late April, I was sick. Like barely functioning sick. That's just what pregnancy does to me. And once I started to feel better I learned that the baby died. What a shock. I grieve. And grieve some more.

And then I start to focus on selling our house. What a nightmare that was. It sold so quickly. It came as a shock to me. I wasn't ready to move. To say goodbye to my friends and in-laws. And then we found a house here in NC and we moved.

We moved in the week I was supposed to be having a baby. If you saw me that week, you wouldn't have known that my heart was heavy or that it was on my mind. But it was all I could think about. I was consumed.

And I am still consumed. I am depressed. I am jealous. I think about all the loved ones I have lost and the memory of them is still fresh in my mind. I cannot shake this heaviness that is in my heart and soul. I can feel happiness, but it only lasts a short while. And then my head is filled again with cloudiness.

I recently read this book. http://www.amazon.com/Reaching-Hope-Perspective-Recovering-Depression/dp/157345849X It is wonderful and I will be reading it again. I felt peace and understanding while reading it.

So for now I will be working on me. I will press forward and do all I can to help myself get to feeling normal and comfortable. I will continue to develop friendships here. I will try not to feel so self-conscious or feel like I'm losing my grip. And any extra thoughts or prayers on my behalf would be great.

Thank you for being my friends. My family. For being there if I needed you. I can only hope I can return the favor.

9 comments:

shauntel said...

Becky, I love you, I'm here for you!!

Ruth Vest said...

becky-that was heart breaking to read. do you see a couselor of any kind? i honestly think that would be a good idea. the things you have been though in the past year are tramatic for anyone... strong or not. it's something to think about.

Amy said...

((HUGS)) and prayers from me.

Kendra said...

You are amazing... I have nothing but love and admiration for you. You are my sister and I can only watch and listen. I'm here. I love you.

liz said...

I'm sorry you have to go through this all at the same time. I'll pray for you.

taffi said...

I love ya Becky!!! :hugs:

FIreball said...

I've read that book too, and really enjoyed it myself. :) (hugs)

Shanel said...

I know that you will overcome this, you ARE strong and you are surrounded by people who love you, no matter what. love you :)

Ginny and Ben said...

It takes a courage to share your personal feelings like you have - I hope you are on the road to feeling better.