Wednesday, June 04, 2008
So I won't lie and tell you that my world has been filled with posies and unicorns since the first of May. In fact, it's been quite opposite. My world seemed to be turned upside down and really knocked me flat for a few weeks. My faith in Heavenly Father was really challenged and I was distancing myself from Him. But just in these last two weeks or so, I have remembered things and re-read things that put a spin on my thinking. I am praying again.
One of the things that I finally remembered to ask my husband about was how many people were in the room while we delivered Logan. He said it was just four, as best as he could remember. Me, him, the doctor and a nurse. I asked where the nurse was during this. I know she was in the room, but I do not remember where she stood. But pretend you're laying in bed. Bon was to my left holding my hand. The doctor was to my right, by my knees. I never looked, but always to my right side (closer to me than the doctor) and always to my left (down by my feet) stood a person. Bon thinks the nurse was on my right, but I do remember her moving around, getting things, etc. but never looked directly at her. Even if she moved, though, someone was there. I firmly believe now, that my mom was in that room with us. I believe that she was there to comfort me and give me strength. And oh how that makes me feel. I miss her so much. I hardly knew her, but I miss her.
Another thing that has given me strength has been to re-read my patriarchal blessing. I am promised so many wonderful things if I just have faith. Faith. It seems like such a simple thing to have, but after it's shaken, you realize how delicate it is and how hard it can be for people to hang on to. I know mine almost slipped away. And it's not necessarily that my testimony was shattered, but it was more of a disappointment of a promise not being kept.
I also feel like Heavenly Father is giving me clearer thoughts in some areas too. Lately I'll have something come to mind and either won't do it or put it off. Then when the time has passed, I remember that I had the thought to do it and it's reminding me that the Holy Ghost is still here helping me. I need to heed the promptings and not assume I am in charge all the time. I'm a slow learner sometimes, but lately I have really needed the extra knowledge that He hasn't abandoned me.
I've been feeling blue for a few days. I feel like I'm wallowing in my sorrow, like I should be moved on by now. I know it's okay for me to feel this way though. My family is keeping me hopping. I'm trying to see the joy they give me every day. The way the kids play together, laugh, run, fight. lol It's keeping me solid.