Another good conversation

The following conversation actually happened while coming home from Grandma and Grandpa's house.

Ryan: Mom, are grandma and grandpa married?
Me: (giggling a little) Yes.
Ryan: Then why don't they have any babies?
Me: (giggling a little harder) Because they already had all their babies.
Ryan: Did they all die??
Me: (full out laughing) No. Daddy is one of their babies.
Ryan: (with total confusion in his voice) Daddy?
Me: Yeah, Daddy was one of grandma and grandpa's babies.

We thought it was so funny, that even though we had just spent several hours there, Bon called them and re-told the conversation to them. Ryan is our weird question asker. And his favorite joke to tell?

Why do gorillas have big holes in their noses?

Because they have big fingers!!

Or the ever popular knock knock joke...

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Cargo cargo.

Although I'm pretty sure in his mind it's "Car Go". And if you couldn't tell, it's completely made up and we follow with the "ah ha ha ha" fake laugh because it's really not funny at all. We're such good parents! ;)

Tomorrow (well, actually today since it's late) I'm dropping the boys off at grandma's house and taking Reagan shopping for school shoes/clothes and to lunch. I've been so worried about her starting school late. She'll almost be a month late in starting and I really hope it's not an issue. There were too many unknowns to register her in Miamisburg schools, which looking back on, I would've done. We've been in this house for a month now and will be here for another week and a half. But as the saying goes, you live and you learn. Or hindsight is always 20/20. Whichever makes more sense.

What you hear during an 8 hour car trip...

A four and five year old repeating this conversation over and over and over...

It's Theodore.

Feodore.

No, it's Theodore.

Feodore.

Theodore.

Feodore.

No, Theodore.

--getting the picture yet?

You'd also hear this from my husband.

"I don't get the mortgage song."

Huh? What?? Mortgage song? Oh, you mean Chasing Pavements by Adele. It's pavements. With a v. Not payments. Silly boy. lol

I wonder what treasures we'll hear on our way back to Dayton.

Another busy week

As if I'm not stressed enough. lol

To catch you up...The week of July 4th, we put the house on the market. Can be shown after July 8th. Get a call on July 8th "can we show your house tomorrow at 10 am?'. Look around me and see the contents of my house basically thrown up in the living room. Um...sure. Freak out. Call my good friend Liz and beg, I mean ask if she could watch my kids while I clean. Clean for 4 hours or so. Go to pick up my kids only 1/3 done on the house. Get the kids in bed and stay up till 3 a.m. (Did I mention that Bon was in Alabama on business??) Up at 7:30 to finish up. (yeah. my house really was that messy!) Gather up the kids and head out for a couple of hours. The house was shown and they offered! Holy crap. So now we have a contract on our house. After one showing. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being really stressed, I'm at a 13. lol (this paragraph was extremely long, sorry!)

Anyway. This week.

Monday: Clean the whole house. As we were going to bed last night, Bon said it was unfortunate that "we had to clean the whole house again." I laughed and paused and said that "we and again" don't really belong in the same sentence. He laughed and agreed and bowed down and kissed my feet.

Just joking.

He didn't bow.

Tuesday: All three kids have their check-ups. I'm a horrible mom and haven't gotten their check-ups on time for a couple of years. And Ty is behind on his vaccs. I know! Horrible. Reagan is worried about getting a shot. But I think it will go okay. Then in the afternoon an inspector is coming. Hence the cleaning today.

Wednesday: A follow up appt with my Ob/gyn. Other than the lightheadedness, I think I'm doing better. Just really still stressed and overwhelmed. But I'm not horribly angry at my kids/life/situation anymore. So that's better, right?

Thursday: nothing planned.

Friday: I'd like to go to Charlotte area and start searching for houses. Bon is going to see about childcare, so I have to wait on him before I plan too much. Having no home is a big stressor for me right now.

So that's it. My little update. I feel better about getting of the computer now, knowing that you all know my schedule. lol

Semi-vegetarian

Tonight the kids were playing around and Ryan tells Reagan he's going to "e@t her me@t". I paused with what I was doing to see where this conversation was going to go.

Reagan: Humans don't eat meat! Only dinosaurs and lions and tigers eat meat!

Ryan seemed to take that news okay since he wished he was "born a dinosaur" instead of being Ryan yesterday.

I guess I'll hold off telling them about those chicken nuggets....

Well, it's official

Our house is on the market. And I am so not ready. Our realtor took a picture of the outside of our house and is coming back next week to take inside shots. So in the meantime, I need to really light a fire under me and de-clutter this place.

This move is really bittersweet for me. I have made more friends in these three years than I have since high school. I am slow to make friends because I'm kinda quirky, smart-alecky, sarcastic, weird and I don't want to scare people away right off the bat. So I tend to hide my true self for a while until they know me better. I'm weirder the longer you know me. ;) I am going to be so sad leaving here. And sadly it's not because I'll be moving away from my family. (Except for my in-laws...I will miss them the most!!) It's because I'll be leaving some great friends. *sniff*

Today was my 6-week checkup that was really 8 weeks. I have a great doctor and I'll be sad to leave him too. lol Physically I'm all healed. I'm doing good. Emotionally, not so good. I feel like I have constant PMS. One minute I'm yelling at my kids for something stupid and the next I'm in tears because I feel so bad for yelling. My emotions are all over the place. And I go through periods of total "I'm so over this greiving process" back into depression of not carrying/holding/rearing this baby. I think about how far along I would be and the movements of what a baby inside feels like. The kicking and hicupping. And it sucks.

So I was prescribed some anti-depressants. The pharmacy closed tonight before I could pick them up, but I am really hoping for some help from them. My doctor told me that I'm supposed to be depressed right now. But if this is interfereing with daily tasks and thoughts, then the medication will help. I was also given a pamplet about PPD. An older nurse, who I think answers the phone when you call the nurse for questions, brought it to me and told me that some of the things in there relate to me, but not all of them, because I don't have the baby at home. Wow. Thanks for that reminder. No wonder you answer the phone and don't deal face to face with the patients. Yikes. Was also given a card for a counselor and support group. I don't know how I feel about calling either of those places yet. It seems like a good idea, but it might be too fresh for me still. I don't know.

Anyway. That's a little update here.

My almost two-year-old can say "soda". Is that sad or what?! lol Except he says it like "sow-a". And he calls Ryan and Reagan by name. But Reagan is usually still Sissy, which is what we all call her. He will now say "one" when asked how old he is and hold up one finger. But then if you ask him how old he's going to be next, he'll say "sree" and hold up his hand with all his fingers up, but kinda tilty. lol It's way cute.

Oh, I almost forgot! My bff Kendra had her baby this past Friday! Olivia Ann was born at 5:48 pm on June 27, 2008. She is the cutest little thing! She's tiny too! 6 lbs. 13.9 oz. Congrats Kendra and Jed!!

How did God make us?

My four year old just asked me this question. This is how the conversation went.

Ryan: How did God make us?

Me: Well, he gave us bodies. And minds.

Ryan: So we can think?

Me: Yup. And he gave us hearts. (thinking that we have hearts to pump blood...you know. The anatomy aspect.)

Ryan: So we can love?

Me: yup. So we can love. (with tears welling up in my eyes)

The conversation continued on for a little bit, but nothing as sweet was said.

Sometimes Ryan is my biggest challenge. I wonder if I'm not showing him enough love, enough compassion. If I'm being too hard on him, expecting too much. I have a great love for him. I hope he knows that. And there are times like these where I'm so glad I see the softer side of my little rough man. :)

ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Ever get that "must move around furniture NOW" feeling? No? Yeah. *cough* Uh....me...either......

No really. The piano has always been against that wall. You swear it was on the other wall yesterday? No. Yesterday was opposite day. Did you miss that memo? And the living room was clean yesterday? Well that's a lie. My living room is never clean. Oh, you mean those boxes weren't laying on the floor there. Well....that's true.

Okay. You caught me. I decided to move around what little furniture we have in our living room. Basically we have our piano, a glider and footstool, a coffee table and a computer desk waiting for storage. And the little table that our computer is currently living on. But I'm liking the change. I'm hoping to get it done and after coming home from a party tonight, I'll walk in and think "self? You did a great job!"

Another change. I checked my email this morning and my bff sent me an email at 4 something this morning. After you get done saying "That's crazy!" in your best Brian Fellows impersonation, she was emailing to let me know she was on her way to the hospital!! Her water broke!! They just might be having their little girl join them today!!! I'm beyond excited! I just called. She's only at a 4, they have the pitocin cranked and she's really cold. And her epi is working good. Let's hope her babe comes today and is easy for her!!

Let's see....anymore changes? Um...no. I think that's my update for today.

Interesting thing....sorta

Last Tuesday morning was an interesting morning. It all started out normal. The kids and I came downstairs and ate breakfast. Then they headed outdoors for playing with "garage toys". Bikes and stuff. I hear a woman's voice ask if their mommy was home and inwardly groaned thinking it was a solicitor. I was still in my pj's, just catching up with my internet life. The doorbell rings and I answer it gearing up for the overpriced magazine "help me get through high school in a safe environment" spiel. When I do open it, I find a woman standing there, not trying to sell me anything, but handing me a bag that has a jar of homemade freezer jam in it. (my favorite, by the way) She lives on the street behind mine and our yards are kind of kitty corner of each other.

Earlier in April while I was outside planting flowers, she had come by, frantic, wondering if she could walk through my yard to see if her dog had gotten under the fence. Later she brought her dog by and said that "Daisy" had squeezed through a different part of the fence and was trapped in another neighbors fenced yard. lol Daisy is smaller than a full-size cat. When she came back the second time, we chatted for a bit. We talked about houses and neighbors, kids, etc. Found out her name is Betsy. lol Mine is Becky. It was a nice conversation.

So back to Tuesday. The jam she had given me was in thanks for letting her go through my yard a couple times to find her dog. I told her it was no problem. She started talking about her days when her kids were younger. She has 4 kids, her youngest just turned 18. She told me stories about how frustrating and challenging it was, yet how much she enjoyed it. She told me she had been up all night with a sick baby and the following morning, after resting and taking it easy, a lady in her church stopped by her house "inspired to pray for her". Betsy said she wanted to say "Pray for me?! Why don't you help me clean?!" It seemed like she understood that moms can't (and shouldn't) have spotless houses all the time. And that there should be no apologies for that. She'd be the kind of person I would let into my house, toys and clothes scattered everywhere, and not feel like I would need to apologize for it. She actually could see into my living room and saw that very scene. Anyway. Towards the end of the conversation (upwards of 1/2 hour) she said she felt like she needed to come over and tell me all that. That having children can be hard, but it is wonderful too. Being a mom can be hard, but the joy outweighs the heartache. She asked if she could give me a hug. As we pulled away from each other, I saw tears in her eyes and I was truly touched by her kindness.

Being kind to others is a gift I think we can all give. It's not hard and it's free. I know I need to work harder at being kind and not so judgmental and critical. I'm grateful for that morning and for the understanding she helped me gain.

Tragic

A girl I "know" from an LDS forum I belong to just flew to Dallas, TX with four of her five children yesterday. They were going to be with family for a month or so. Her husband, who stayed back in Idaho, just died tonight from a massive heart attack. They will be flying home tomorrow. Please keep the Parkin family in your prayers.

Whaddya mean

the garage door won't go down?? Oh, that's right. I see it now. It got unplugged by my kids.

Did I mention it's plugged into the ceiling?

The only conclusion I can come up with is somehow they caught their fishing pole in it while they were "fishing" and pulled it out. Yeah. I'll go with that one.

bedtime

Bedtime.

How I love thee. Blissful sounds of deep breathing and tired sighs.

And here I sit. Soaking in the sound of nothing.

Off I go soon. To clean up messes from today.

How many hours?

First off, I'd like to say hola to Jeanette and Kendra. Jeanette's been doing her blog thing for a while now, but Kendra just started. I kind of keep my blog to myself, not because I'm embarrassed or anything. The reason is more that if you say the word "blog" out here, some people would expect an "excuse me" afterwards thinking you were really enjoying your meal. They are both in my ward and both pretty cool.

Do you ever feel like there are not enough hours in the day to get done the things you want or need to get done? My hours of laziness catch up with me by nightfall when I look around my house and absorb the disaster that my children created but failed to clean up. There's a cute saying that goes: I was the perfect parent...then I had my own kids. To apply that saying to me, I would say: I was a clean person who kept a clean house...until I had 2+ kids. Trying to get our house ready to sell is a big joke. I feel like I've moved out a whole bunch of stuff, but there is literally more stuff to take it's place. And the house doesn't look any cleaner. That's the part that makes me feel like all my work is for naught. (look at me using "big" words.) Lately I've been staying up till the wee hours of morning, just to be alone. Last night I was up until almost 3. Mostly because the mosquito bites on my feet were itching so bad I had to make a Walgreens run at 2 in the a.m. for some anti-itch cream. The toothpaste that I thought I'd try just wasn't cutting it. (You don't want to know what else I tried...) Anyway. Bon called a realtor today and she'd like to do a walk through of the house sometime this week. *sigh* It's just so stressful! I need a fairy godmother to come help me clean and to have things magically disappear. Wouldn't that be nice. :)

Now that it's midnight, I'm off to put laundry away.

Shaken faith

So I won't lie and tell you that my world has been filled with posies and unicorns since the first of May. In fact, it's been quite opposite. My world seemed to be turned upside down and really knocked me flat for a few weeks. My faith in Heavenly Father was really challenged and I was distancing myself from Him. But just in these last two weeks or so, I have remembered things and re-read things that put a spin on my thinking. I am praying again.

One of the things that I finally remembered to ask my husband about was how many people were in the room while we delivered Logan. He said it was just four, as best as he could remember. Me, him, the doctor and a nurse. I asked where the nurse was during this. I know she was in the room, but I do not remember where she stood. But pretend you're laying in bed. Bon was to my left holding my hand. The doctor was to my right, by my knees. I never looked, but always to my right side (closer to me than the doctor) and always to my left (down by my feet) stood a person. Bon thinks the nurse was on my right, but I do remember her moving around, getting things, etc. but never looked directly at her. Even if she moved, though, someone was there. I firmly believe now, that my mom was in that room with us. I believe that she was there to comfort me and give me strength. And oh how that makes me feel. I miss her so much. I hardly knew her, but I miss her.

Another thing that has given me strength has been to re-read my patriarchal blessing. I am promised so many wonderful things if I just have faith. Faith. It seems like such a simple thing to have, but after it's shaken, you realize how delicate it is and how hard it can be for people to hang on to. I know mine almost slipped away. And it's not necessarily that my testimony was shattered, but it was more of a disappointment of a promise not being kept.

I also feel like Heavenly Father is giving me clearer thoughts in some areas too. Lately I'll have something come to mind and either won't do it or put it off. Then when the time has passed, I remember that I had the thought to do it and it's reminding me that the Holy Ghost is still here helping me. I need to heed the promptings and not assume I am in charge all the time. I'm a slow learner sometimes, but lately I have really needed the extra knowledge that He hasn't abandoned me.

I've been feeling blue for a few days. I feel like I'm wallowing in my sorrow, like I should be moved on by now. I know it's okay for me to feel this way though. My family is keeping me hopping. I'm trying to see the joy they give me every day. The way the kids play together, laugh, run, fight. lol It's keeping me solid.

Happy Birthday, Big Guy!

FOUR!!!

It was 4 years ago almost to the minute that I started having contractions. I should realize by now that you will do things your own way and in your own time. Or not at all. ;) You are so excited to have your "golden birthday" and have been telling people for weeks that you'll be four. You are so grown up already that you seem to have been four for a long time now. I had to keep reminding myself that you were only three. You love your sister and little brother. I enjoy watching you play with them and help them. I love to snuggle with you and watch you sleep. That's when you're quietest. ;) Some of your favorite things right now are turkey sandwiches with "white stuff" aka Miracle Whip and mustard, Caillou the most whiniest kid on the cartoon planet, playing with cars, riding your bike and being fast. We're going to have a party for you on Saturday. I'm hoping the weather gets nicer since it's thunderstorming and is supposed to be hot, hot, hot and rainy for the next few days. I hope you are happy. I hope you know how much we love you. I hope you will grow up big and strong and be a daddy, since those are your lofty goals right now. We love you, Ryan.

Newborn



One


Two (this is apparently the only picture I took of you this day! lol)


Three

Here's my last two weeks

It's been very busy. We took a whirlwind trip up to my grandma's house to visit with them. We hadn't been there since Christmas. It was good to see her and my sister. The kids enjoyed having sleepovers, except for the earache and headache that ailed two of my kids in the middle of the night on two different nights. Oh well.
My kids loved the red maple growing in the front yard. I remember when it was planted some 20 years ago and it's just now perfect pre-schooler climbing size. (except they were too chicken to climb it by themselves.)


Ty decided that he needed Grandma-great to wash his feet at the table and then have her put socks (gocks) and shoes (she-oos) on. He sat there patiently as she did this.



Then there was walking with Grandma-great.



We came home for a couple nights and then packed up again to head to Virginia to attend Bon's brother's retirement ceremony. It was very patriotic and I'm so glad that we went. Here's one picture from the ceremony. He's the one on the right. Thanks Bry for serving our country.


The rest of the time in Virginia was fun too. We went to Williamsburg. I'll have to steal some pictures from my sis's-in-law when they post them on our family site.

The kids did get a chance to take a bubble bath in a really big tub. There's about 10 inches of water and then the rest is bubbles.


We left Saturday evening to drive to Charlotte to do some house hunting. We drove around all day Sunday and most of Monday and bored the kids to tears. We found a really lovely neighborhood that we both loved. We can't buy a house until this one sells....so....anyone want to buy our house?? C'mon! You'll love it.

But since we were more south than Ohio, the weather was warmer. It was mid-80's while we were there and the kids wanted to swim. Since I'm not able for a couple more weeks, Bon had to get in the really, really cold pool with them. lol So here's what I did while they swam.

That's right. I lounged. lol

And when I say that the kids swam, really I mean that they mostly hung on to the floaty thing Ty was in while Bon pulled them around.


And here's driving into the neighborhood we loved. Notice the trail across the road? Well that'd be a trail for golf carts. It's kind of nestled between some holes on a golf course, so it's nice and quiet.


Here's the potential lot we'd buy. It's on a cul-de-sac. That's some of the course behind the trees.


And here's the one style of home that we liked, but it probably wouldn't be the one we would build on that lot (if we were to actually buy the lot. I'm trying to be realistic and know that we probably will not live here.) But seriously, look how gorgeous this house is. *sigh*



I'm glad to be home. It was nice to get away and nice to see some of the family. I always have so much fun with Bon's family. It's so much less stressful than being with mine. :)

Maybe not

Maybe I'm not quite ready to be out and among those who really don't grasp the whole "I'm still very sad about this" issue. It's no one's fault, really, that I had to leave the room before bursting into tears. I'm not placing blame on anyone, but seriously if any persons will be discussing ultrasounds and heartbeats around me in the near future, give me ample warning so I can exit before hearing your opinions.

I decided today that I'm going to clean up the kitchen and then get out my sewing machine and make my girl a new dress. Now she's suddenly opposed to pants (which isn't new, but annoying), skirts and most of her dresses. She likes one dress at the moment. Maybe I can whip up one that she'll wear that isn't specifically for Sunday's.

Kind gestures

Today I got a package in the mail. It was from a woman that I've met only once in real life, but she is someone that I have come to love and call a friend by being on an LDS forum together. Our sick and twisted humor/minds get along well and if we didn't live states away from each other, we'd hang out. Often. Anyway....here's what she sent me. It's the Willow Tree "Angel's Embrace" figurine.

I am so grateful for the friendship we have and for her thoughtfulness. If you read my blog, girly, thanks again.

Fire and Rain

When you're feeling down and blue, Fire and Rain by James Taylor will definitely make you cry. Especially if you're grieving the loss of someone. Holy heck.

So I've been trying to get the house ready to sell. I washed all the walls and doors in Reagan's room, spackled the holes, washed her windowsill and screen and caulked around the window ledge thingy. Caulking is not my thing. I'm not too good at it, but it looks a little better. I need to do two or three more things in her room and then it'll be all ready and presentable. Ty's room is next. I usually get geared up to do a big project like that when it's nap time though, so it might be a while before I get to his room. I started some laundry today. That's big for me, in case you just met me and didn't know that I have suddenly realized I hate doing laundry. It's not the sorting, washing, drying and folding that's so bad. It's the putting away. I don't know why that is such a hindrance for me. I also picked up some toys off the basement floor. I'm trying to get the basement all cleaned out except for the couch, tv, some toys and the foosball table. That means bringing up all the boxes that are in the closet under the stairs. I would like to get a storage unit sometime this week. Tomorrow maybe. It's supposed to be nice weather on Saturday. We could spend a few hours unloading our house into a unit and then I wouldn't feel so cluttered.

In case you wonder how I'm doing, since I've become a recluse, is I'm still just so-so. I feel happy moments and can find humor in things, but the weight of sadness still is in me. I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to go anywhere where people know me and will give me sympathetic looks. I want to go to church on Sunday to see the kids sing up front, but I want to go late and leave right after so I won't have to talk to anyone. I feel like I should be over this, but then realize it's only been a week. I looked at the clock this morning and it struck me that it was a week ago exactly that I looked at the clock at the same time after delivering our baby. And I have nothing to show for it. There's nothing there. I have nothing to hold, feed, change, stare at and adore, smell, sleep with. I've struggled with wanting to try again vs. being happy with what we have. I have yet to turn this over to Heavenly Father. I am feeling a little abandoned by Him right now, to be honest. I need to have faith and all that, but now, right now, I just can't exercise that part of my spirit. I will work on exercising my faith when I can shut my eyes and not picture my sadness anymore.

A great loss

Coming home from the hospital without our baby has honestly been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I've really been trying to keep it together. Put on my happy face and come to terms with the reality of the situation. But it really sucks. My kids really don't know anything is different with me. But I can feel a deep sadness that is all-consuming right now. I cry at night after they are in bed so that my tears won't scare them. There is an emptiness that my arms can feel. I know I have many that I could talk to, but right now I'm still not ready. I don't know what feeling ready will be like. I know that Bon is sad too and that breaks my heart into more pieces. They say the first week is the hardest. When the first week is over, I'll have to see if that's true or not.

Haircuts

 
You wouldn't know by the look of it, but this little one Freaked out yesterday while getting his hair cut. That's Freaked with a capital F. I was using the clippers and he did fine while I did the back and sides, but then the hair on top started to go and I seriously needed earplugs. He screamed bloody murder and grabbed at the top of his head trying to stop me. And it's not like I could've stopped with just the sides and back. The top was way long and it would've looked like we were mohawking his hair, but didn't get around to gelling it or something. After his haircut, though, he continued to freak out while I cut Ryan's hair. Ever try holding a crying 21 month old while cutting a 3 year old's hair? Yeah, it's close to impossible. (I did have to put him down, but he continued to scream and hang on my legs.) After we were all done though, he took a two hour nap. From 10:30-12:30. Odd. He sure is cute with his new do.