Today in church

if you happened to be sitting near our family, you would have heard this come from our two year old's mouth after seeing a slender black man.....

"is that Arock Obama?"

Bon's eyes got huge, as did mine, and then we bust up laughing. He asked me where he'd heard that from. Uh, tv, Reagan, Ryan, and have I mentioned on here that Reagan occasionally likes to watch Newshour with Jim Lehrer? lol So yeah. He's heard of our nation's president before.

Searching for myself

I've been doing some soul searching lately. Some digging down deep, trying to figure out who I am, what my purpose is, trying to find happiness or a sense of normalcy. I've been trying to find out why I feel the way I do and how I can get it to stop. I've always considered myself a strong person. Not only physically, but mentally. I've had one hell of a life. But I'm coming to my breaking point. I am struggling to hold on to me. My strength is running out and I'm finding it hard to hang on anymore.

2008 was such a hard year for me. From mid-January until late April, I was sick. Like barely functioning sick. That's just what pregnancy does to me. And once I started to feel better I learned that the baby died. What a shock. I grieve. And grieve some more.

And then I start to focus on selling our house. What a nightmare that was. It sold so quickly. It came as a shock to me. I wasn't ready to move. To say goodbye to my friends and in-laws. And then we found a house here in NC and we moved.

We moved in the week I was supposed to be having a baby. If you saw me that week, you wouldn't have known that my heart was heavy or that it was on my mind. But it was all I could think about. I was consumed.

And I am still consumed. I am depressed. I am jealous. I think about all the loved ones I have lost and the memory of them is still fresh in my mind. I cannot shake this heaviness that is in my heart and soul. I can feel happiness, but it only lasts a short while. And then my head is filled again with cloudiness.

I recently read this book. http://www.amazon.com/Reaching-Hope-Perspective-Recovering-Depression/dp/157345849X It is wonderful and I will be reading it again. I felt peace and understanding while reading it.

So for now I will be working on me. I will press forward and do all I can to help myself get to feeling normal and comfortable. I will continue to develop friendships here. I will try not to feel so self-conscious or feel like I'm losing my grip. And any extra thoughts or prayers on my behalf would be great.

Thank you for being my friends. My family. For being there if I needed you. I can only hope I can return the favor.

9 bottles of water

That is what the kids decided to open and pour out on our driveway today...all at the encouragement of our next door neighbor girl. She comes up with some hair-brained ideas and my kids lose all sorts of common sense and self-control and they do what she says! It's ridiculous! The other day when she was over, I was upstairs sewing my curtains and they were downstairs. I came down and they had play-doh all over the living room/dining room, after I told them not to. And they had also made a drink consisting of orange juice, Bon's dairy free milk, juice from a capri sun and who knows what else. Bon said I should've made them drink it all, but I didn't want to clean up any puke. But because they mixed up that drink, there was a sticky mess all over my dining table and chairs and the floor. I was so mad. I had to mop and wipe it all down. After she had gone home, I learned that she made them (and by "made them" I mean "told them") to eat some play doh. So they did! We've been trying to tell them that they do not need to listen to her and to use their common sense! She's only 7, so it's not like she has that much either, but c'mon! She's a really nice girl and her parents are great too. I guess I'll just have to hang around better/more when they play together. *sigh*

When they are young

Do you ever look at your children and wonder when they were taught to demand things instead of asking politely?

Then sit back and let me explain something to you.

I've recently found the source of where they are being taught this behavior.




That's right. Dora and Diego. They are working together to corrupt the minds of our children. They teach that when you ask for something in a not so nice way, you get results.

And they also teach the pimp method. Dora wants her backpack? Well Dora gets her backpack. Oh, but not by asking for it nicely herself. She makes YOU ask for it. And it's not really even asking. It's like demanding. "What do we need?" "Backpack!" "What?" "Backpack!" "louder!" "BACK-PACK!" And voila. There's her backpack.

Next she'll be asking your kids to choose a gang color and consider her as the leader.

And Diego is no better. Heck. He yells at monkeys for misbehaving. I haven't been around too many monkeys, but I bet they are all ornery. And I bet they are pissed they are called the Bo Bo Brothers. I know I wouldn't be to happy about that.

So the next time you hear your kid screaming "BACK PACK!!" at the tv, maybe it's time to turn it to....Mr. Roger's Neighborhood.

I know, you thought I was going to say off. I'm not *that* crazy! :)

Oh, this is bad

You know your two-year old has seen too much Mamma Mia when they are sitting by their sister and as she reads titles of books, she pauses and the said two-year old says "dot dot dot?"

If I was stronger

I would go and balance my washing machine.

But I'm not, so I won't.

Even though it's really annoying and loud. :)

Yet another

Poor me, woe is me post. Are you sick of these yet?

Why can't I just accept myself for who I am? Why am I always wishing to be thinner, happier, a better dresser, more friendly, a better housekeeper, a good decorator, etc, etc, etc!?

My life is good. Bon works hard to provide for us and give us everything we could ever need and it seems that all I ever do is wish myself and my surroundings different. Could that stem from the fact I was never good enough as a teen? Has that really damaged me, even after all this time?

I really miss my friends right now. I'll be getting together with moms from the ward 3-4 times this week and it just brings up my insecurities all over again. Trying to fit in or feeling like I need to fit in is hard.

Oh well. Tomorrow is a new day.

6 Random things

My friend who blogs here has asked us to list 6 random things in our fridge. Wanna participate? Feel free!

My six:
1. Home made grape juice.
2. a rotten cucumber.
3. a pound of ground turkey
4. cookie dough
5. lactose free milk
6. an orange soda

It's like rollover minutes, but not.

You know those commercials on tv that have the rollover minutes? The kids try to get rid of them and the mom is adamant that they keep them because they are the same.

This one is my favorite. It cracks me up every time.


So, I've decided that chores are like rollover minutes. Whatever doesn't get done just rolls over into the next week/month/year. But unlike rollover minutes, rollover chores are not a good thing. That just means that a) there is too much to do and not enough time or b) I'm just lazy. And while I'd like to say that I'm productive most days, that would just be a lie. Sure...I get the kids dressed and fed and run the dishwasher. But I could do so much more.

And I realized too, that you must think that after this post last week, that I haven't done anything. Au contraire my friend. I have done some stuff, but not enough. And I did take pictures of what I have done. So just for some proof.

Notice my crush Chris Martin on the tv. He can sing to me anytime...





And check this out. You can see my closet floor! The one basket is socks that need mated and the other is socks/undies and stuff that just need put away.


So I will keep rolling over my work until it's done.

Which might be never.

What's that sound?

Oh, that's the sound of my butt spreading across this chair. You see, I feel like I've become one with the chair. You know, a sort of special relationship has formed between us. It allows me to sit at the computer and I allow it to...hold me....

Anyway. I've been sitting in this chair way too much lately. I've been trying to avoid being a parent, trying to deal with them by ignoring them isn't very family friendly, if you know what I mean. Ignoring them and being here is not going to make my problems go away, or clean my house, or teach my kids anything useful. So even though my husband is out of town for the week and I'd really like to be the one gone instead, I will make an effort to be sitting in this chair less.

I can do it.

I will do it.

I just need boundaries. Rules. And lots of chocolate....

Projects

I usually have a mental list of different projects I want to do/get done. Like right now it's painting our end tables in our bedroom and the TV casing thing. And making a wallet for my sister, a dress or two for Reagan, maybe throw in a skirt too. But I'm usually a slacker and don't work on my projects like I want to. Maybe I can make this a new goal.

But tell me, oh faithful readers, what are some of your mental projects?


Right now it's really cold outside and Ty is playing...outside. By himself. Does that make me a negligent mom? I know he's out there, he has a big winter coat on, but no gloves/mittens and just crocs. Hopefully he'll come inside soon when he realizes how cold it is.


And in case you haven't heard me whine enough.... Bon is going to be out of town all next week. I'm going to be so bored! Anyone want to come visit? Reagan only has school two days next week....

Just Keeping it Real

I'm part of an LDS moms private forum. We have a challenge going on, trying to motivate us to keep our houses clean. Cause cleanliness is close to godliness or something like that. A house of order... etc. I don't know how the sayings go, but I do know that I feel better when my house is in order. So the other day I took some pictures of the worst spots in my house at that moment. Some rooms have been picked up/swept, etc, but having three kids, it's impossible to always have everything in it's place all the time. So in a weeks time, I hope to show you improved pictures of these same trouble spots.

Our master bed. Sadly, this was taken the day I decided not to make our bed.


My half of the closet. It's a horrible, horrible mess. Excuse any inappropriate clothing you may see! I never wear anything remotely sexy. Never. ;)


Our bathroom


The play room. Ryan is in mid sentence there asking why I'm taking a picture of this huge mess. lol Well son....it's this here thing called the Internet.....


I had more pictures, but this will have to do for now.

That's just a depressing reality.

If you know me, you know how much I strive to have a clean presentable house. Some days (weeks!) when laziness and life take over, however, I fall behind, then get mad and then clean in a mad frenzied way. So lately I've been trying to not get lazy. I've been somewhat successful in keeping my house mostly presentable.

And I do most of this because I think this is how other people do it. I walk into their seemingly perfectly clean homes and think that they are really on top of things. They can prioritize and get it all done, all while having their kids dressed cute and well behaved. (these are sahm's by the way) So I think, if they can do it, so can I! What's so wrong with me that I can't get a handle on my life?

Nothing.

After learning last night that my neighbor (that stays at home, has two kids who *still take naps!* and has another on the way) has a cleaning lady, I realize that I am doing the absolute best I can all by myself! I'm actually feeling quite proud of what I am able to do cleaning wise in my home with three kids and a husband. I have been setting myself up for failure from day one with my old thinking. But now I know that even though my house isn't perfect, I have crumbs on my kitchen floor that need swept up, toys scattered in the family room and my dining room table is covered with kids' artwork, I am still doing the best that I know how.

And those are my Stuart Smalley thoughts for the day. :)

My kids are funny...sometimes.

Just now on the way home from the store, Ty was telling a knock knock joke. These usually consist of him saying knock knock to whomever is listening and then he says something random and it's never funny. Well. Most of the time. Today here's his joke.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cargo.....poopyhead.

And even though that's not how the joke is supposed to go, that's where it ended. And it was funny because after he said it, both Reagan and Ryan gave a collective "ewwww" at the same time. Now *that* was funny.

Then Ryan was talking about dinosaurs and heaven. He asked if there was a dinosaur heaven. I told him I didn't know. Then Reagan told him he should ask his primary teacher on Sunday because she looked pretty old.

Ha! She later realized that his primary teacher was her primary teacher from last year so "she's not old". :)

Kids. Sometimes you just gotta love them. ;)

My new favorite recipe for this cookie

It's no secret that I like to bake. Yesterday I made banana bread and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Oh and some snickerdoodles too. Bon's favorite cookie is Oatmeal Chocolate Chip. I've used a recipe from Quaker Oats for many years, just substituting the raisins for choc. chips and omitting the cinnamon. But in the last few months, I tried a new recipe for them and couldn't decide which was better until last night. Last night I made the old kind. Never again. Dry, hard hockey pucks is what they are after just a night. So my new recipe comes from no other than Nestle. Here it is in case you want to give yourself a treat later. ;)

Choc-Oat-Chip Cookies

1 3/4 Cups flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt (opt.)

1 1/4 cups packed brown sugar
1 cup butter or margarine, softened (I always use Crisco)
1/2 cup sugar
2 large eggs
2 Tbsp. milk
2 tsp vanilla extract

2 1/2 cups quick oats
2 cups chocolate chips
1 cup nuts (opt.) (I never add nuts)

Preheat oven to 375*.

Beat sugars and butter in large mixer bowl until creamy. Beat in eggs, milk and vanilla extract. Gradually beat in dry ingredients. Stir in oats and chocolate chips. Drop by rounded tablespoon onto ungreased baking sheets.

Bake for 9-10 minutes for chewy cookies or 12-13 minutes for crispy cookies. Cool on rack. Makes aprox. 4 doz. cookies.

Some picture sharing

If any of you know me really well, you'll know that I'm a bit of a perfectionist. I try to hide it and it's often hidden amongst the clutter that is my house, but if something tedious (is that the right word?) is to be done, it needs to be done perfect. My perfectionitis usually flares up while sewing or baking or doing something like making gingerbread houses. But the day we made these, I tried, honest to goodness tried to refrain from telling the kids how to do it. I put the houses together for them and had them decorate. I had royal icing in baggies with a little corner cut off, and showed them how to squeeze it out and then stick the stuff on, but from then on...however they decided to put stuff on was their decision.

It was hard. Really hard. But they were so proud of their creations.

Reagan's house.



Ryan's house. He had Fruit Stripe shingles....


Ty didn't get to make one. He just enjoyed eating candy. lol

And our Christmas Eve. Grandma and Grandpa were able to be with us and it was great! Grandpa was the donkey, Reagan was Mary, Ryan was Joseph, and Ty and Grandma were Shephards. And the lazy parents just recorded the whole thing. ;)


I'll share more pictures later!

Ah.

Christmas is over, the New Year has begun. I sent Reagan off on the school bus this morning and it felt wonderful! No more fighting, screaming, door slamming...and that's all from me! ;) It's 8:15 and Ty is still sleeping which is wonderful. Ryan is watching Arthur and told me to be quiet as I got crushed ice from the fridge. I could almost go back to bed and snuggle in the warmth, but I feel like I need to maybe clean up the messes that are all over the house since we returned from our trip. We traveled to Ohio for almost a week and enjoyed seeing everyone. Our kids were very sad not to see more of Bryce, however, since he's very popular in our house. We also had Bon's parents here for 5 days and that was fun! I loved having them. :)

So on to keeping resolutions and trying to have a clearer head. Bon said that goals are better kept if they are simpler. So instead of saying "goal 1: Exercise 4 days a week" it would be an easier goal if I said "goal 1: put on exercise clothes". Which means that he really knows me well and knows that I will never exercise 4 days a week, but I do get dressed....

I hope you all had wonderful holidays! We are blessed to start our new year healthy and happy!

Deep Breaths

In and out. Calm. In through the nose and out through the mouth. Deep breathe that stress away. Cause there are only 3 days left. Deep breath.

I have a sore spot on my shoulder that is from a tense muscle. It has not left. No matter if I massage the crap out of it, or take Advil or heat it. It's there. Might not leave until January at this rate.

My kids are getting ornerier by the day. I'm not sure if Santa will bring any gifts for them by the time Christmas actually rolls around. Sad part is, I know they are trying to be good!

My house is dirty, but live-able. No one would get sick or be sick from visiting, but I would like it to be spotless. Which is darn near impossible with three kids, two being boys.

And I can't find my brand new spool of green thread. Which I desperately need. I ask everyone every day if they've seen it. My kids always say "you already asked me" to which I reply "cause I'm hoping you found it!" I really don't know where it could be. grrr

And now I'm slowly uploading some pictures to Walmart for another Christmas gift. But walmart is taking For.EVER!

And I really need to go to bed.

Anyone else? No? Just me?

I am still not ready for Christmas. I always say how it has snuck up on me this year, blah blah blah, but this year, for reals, I am so not ready. I know it's coming, but I'm really trying to ignore it. We have one gift total for our kids. One. And so now my frantic countdown begins. 10 days. 10 days until Christmas! Ack!

Peace on Earth

As I was picking up the millions of papers off the floor and counter, I happened across this cute drawing my daughter did. I love it.