Deep Breaths

In and out. Calm. In through the nose and out through the mouth. Deep breathe that stress away. Cause there are only 3 days left. Deep breath.

I have a sore spot on my shoulder that is from a tense muscle. It has not left. No matter if I massage the crap out of it, or take Advil or heat it. It's there. Might not leave until January at this rate.

My kids are getting ornerier by the day. I'm not sure if Santa will bring any gifts for them by the time Christmas actually rolls around. Sad part is, I know they are trying to be good!

My house is dirty, but live-able. No one would get sick or be sick from visiting, but I would like it to be spotless. Which is darn near impossible with three kids, two being boys.

And I can't find my brand new spool of green thread. Which I desperately need. I ask everyone every day if they've seen it. My kids always say "you already asked me" to which I reply "cause I'm hoping you found it!" I really don't know where it could be. grrr

And now I'm slowly uploading some pictures to Walmart for another Christmas gift. But walmart is taking For.EVER!

And I really need to go to bed.

Anyone else? No? Just me?

I am still not ready for Christmas. I always say how it has snuck up on me this year, blah blah blah, but this year, for reals, I am so not ready. I know it's coming, but I'm really trying to ignore it. We have one gift total for our kids. One. And so now my frantic countdown begins. 10 days. 10 days until Christmas! Ack!

Peace on Earth

As I was picking up the millions of papers off the floor and counter, I happened across this cute drawing my daughter did. I love it.

How cool

Okay. How awesome is this picture?! My son, who's 4, took it and I noticed it as I was uploading pictures. Doesn't it make you think he might be the next abstract photographer? It just cracks me up that this stuffed animal (Sparky) is staring at Ty's feet and Ryan managed to capture that. ;)

Friends

I have this friend who:

Always knows what the right thing is to say at the right time.
Makes me cry good happy tears without even trying.
Is like the sister I always wanted.
I miss like crazy.

Thanks Kendra for being my very best friend and understanding all of my wackiness. You can always put an eternal perspective on this year's trials and it makes me so grateful.

Holiday Parade

Today, since it was so well advertised (I joke! I heard nothing of it except that the kids got out of school early!), I decided to take the kids and go to the town's Holiday Parade. It was actually quite fun! I met up with a new friend from our new ward and a couple of her kids and we watched and laughed and had a great time! Her daughter was on a float towards the end and at the very end was Santa. Here are some pictures I took.

The start of the parade.



I guess this guy is a local weatherman. I had to get a picture of his name. :)



Ah, at this point in the parade, Kim (my friend) and I wondered where exactly they keep all these floats from year to year. Like "oh, I can't park in my garage because there's a giant red shoe in there"??? I did tell him that I loved his fries.



These guys were way cool. They would circle around going really fast and fall out of formation and go back into formation. I really liked watching them, like the nerd I am.



Here we all are enjoying the parade. Too bad my Ryan looks like a fish.



Probably the only snow we'll see this year. Wait....lemme ask Larry Sprinkle....



And the man of the hour. Santa!

Day one down, many to go

Yesterday I left for some much needed alone time. When I returned 5-6 hours later, I was told by Bon that Ty shouldn't have his paci anymore because his teeth are all funky. So I take a deep breath and say okay.

Before bed, I search his room and find two paci's on the floor. Stick them in my pocket and as I rock him, he asks about his "sa-sa". I lie and tell him they are lost, but I'll look for them. I lay him down and didn't hear him the rest of the night. Today at church was a little harder because he was whiney and loud and Bon had to take him out twice because we couldn't hush him up by shoving a 'sa sa' in his mouth.

Nap time he whined for them and again I lied and told him I'd look for them. I layed him down and he screamed and hollered and cried for a good 15 minutes. Then he slept until loud Ryan woke him up.

And now bedtime again. And again with the lie. But only minimal chatter from him and no crying. So here's an end to the 'sa sa' phase. It makes me sad that my "baby" is growing up. And I'm hoping that all the 'sa sa's' I can't find right now will be found by me and not Ty.

Things that annoy me

I have a lot of things that annoy me, but the annoying things usually happen when I'm driving or away from my computer. So tonight's list is short because I'm going from memory and y'all know how well *I* can remember stuff.

1. When you're in the line at a drive thru and people think that 6 feet between their front bumper and the car in front of them is sufficient space. It's a drive thru! Move up moron! Is anyone really going super fast through that line that they might actually do damage if there happened to be a fender bender?! I mean, really?

2. People who use the self-checkouts at stores that have absolutely NO IDEA how to scan items. I'd just love to be in their heads as they try to figure out that the barcode must pass over the scanner. "hm, maybe if I press the label of my soup on this red line, it'll scan. Nope. How bout the top of the can. Nope. Maybe the bottom of the can. Nope. Oh, I get it, I get it. It's the back of the label." beep "Sweet!" Next item. "I bet Cap'n Crunch's hat has the secret code on it. Nope. I bet it's this maze game on the back. Nope. I bet it's the bottom of the box." beep "Score!" And so on. Holy crap people. Get a clue!

Wow, I sound like a completely horrible person, but I swear I'm not. Much. Really!

3. This one has to do with my sweetie. I love it when I make a new recipe and you don't eat it at all. You taste a tiny bit of sauce with your finger and decide not to eat. Makes me feel great!

And a whine. Bon has had a stressful week at work, which has meant long hours for him. Well, it's been long hours since we moved really. He leaves here at 7:45ish and then most nights will return between 6:30-7. Last week really sucked because after we would eat, we'd get the kids to bed and he'd fall asleep with them. So I hardly saw him. That's how it's been this week too, except for falling asleep, which he's only done once this week. But oh well. I hope that once this stressful thing is over, maybe he'll be home earlier. It's not like his job saves lives or is something so vital that it can't wait for tomorrow. At least, that's how this grumpy wife sees it.

A Paul Revere moment

Bear with me.

Christmas is coming!!
Christmas is coming!!
Christmas is coming!!


ACK! Why is it that the days seem to go by faster when it's closer to Christmas?! Oh, maybe it's because it's dark at 6:00 pm. But seriously. I don't think we have one thing for Christmas purchased yet for anyone! That's kinda stressful! I started a list of things we can get for people, but I lost it. That adds to my craziness I'm sure.

Anyway. I just wanted you to all be aware that Christmas is coming. To see if you'll be stressed out like me. Aren't I nice?

6th picture 6th folder

Jeanette tagged me. I kinda secretly like being tagged. I'm selfish that way.

so 6th picture from 6th folder is


Wow. So artistic with the angle and messiness of it. This was obviously taken by Ryan, who loves to take many, MANY pictures with my camera. Some are suprisingly good. Others? Um. Not so good.

Okay, so I tag Dorshan, Green Girl, Amy A., Lisa, April and Heidi.

Halloween!

My husband told me the other day that he found my blog by searching for "my retrac family". Uh, why were you looking for my blog? (not that he's not allowed, I just didn't think he was interested.) He was thinking that I might have Halloween pictures up.

Oh. Well. Maybe if I was a good mom I would have. ;) So without further ado, here are our kids in all their pre-sugared glory.



Reagan started out being Fancy Nancy, but decided to be a princess instead. Ryan was a "dar-wook Ninja!" (dark Ninja) And even though I'm anti-vampire, Ty was the cutest Dracula alive!

Ha, get it? Play on words there. I'm clever today, keep up.

He would go to people's doors and they would just smile and say how cute he was. Cause he was totally cute.

The kids got a lot of loot. And glow in the dark necklaces at one house which they thought was awesome!

There ya go, Hubster. *smooch*

Things I've done

I saw this on Lee's blog, who saw it on Alissa's blog. I wanted to see how many I could bold. You try it and let me know!

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band(band in high school totally counts, right?!)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a Meteor Shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a Mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a Lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke(Rockband and Singstar 80's and 90's!)
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Cause the last one's not working

After one month of being in the south

http://s137.photobucket.com/albums/q210/beboretrac/Reagan/?action=view¤t=100_3798.flv

Some evidence that we're real

The kids enjoyed decorating Daddy's cupcakes. Reagan felt that all the ones she decorated should have a little bit of every sprinkle on. Ty didn't care quite so much. See that cupcake on the left with like, one shake of yellow sprinkles on it? Ty.

And since I did my make up today (for my dumb NC driver's license) I thought I'd try and get a good picture of Bon and I.

(Excuse the zit on my chin. Make up wouldn't cover that thing.)

First attempt. I said, "Look happy!"



I didn't mean *that* happy! We laugh.

Try again.



Ha! Seriously now! C'mon. I give him a little slap on the bum.


Now he thinks he's all that. Who knew I married such a comedian?! ;)

Okay. For real this time.


Ahhhh...that's better.

Happy birthday hubby.

Even though I don't think you even read this blog. Today I'm going to try and get the house clean. That's your present. I know. Totally what you've been waiting for. I'm also going to try and get my nc drivers license. Because you were totally mad that things didn't work out for me to get it yesterday. That's how much I love you. To be brave enough to take the boys with me while I take a test and smile and sign my name for an ugly piece of plastic. (And that's if I pass!)

Love you Bon. And thanks for all you do for us and me. :)

Beth Anne would be so proud

My cousin Beth Anne is a born and bred Arkansan. Has a southern twang that Texans admire. She's also the cutest thing (and single, in case any of you sahm's reading this care). lol Here's why she'd be proud.

Reagan was running a fever on Saturday. I was laying beside her asking her if she hurt anywhere. No, just her head. Where at on your head?

On my ah.

Your EYE?

Yeah. My eye.

You see...moving down here, my mother-in-law was hoping that the kids wouldn't pick up on the southern drawl and start saying things like "hankerin" and "ain't". And so far, things have been pretty normal.

Of course, the boys are stuck home with me all day, Bon sits at an office with English and French people with a slight twist of southern.

But Reagan. Poor Reagan. From 8-2 she is being taught by a couple of teachers with drawls and probably hears a lot more twang in one day than I do in a week. So each day when I pick her up from school, I wait to hear her words. And I do hear a change sometimes. However, it's usually faded by the time we make it home.

So, Beth Anne....be proud. And be lucky she's cute like you. :)


And some cute things Ty says:

k-bob = ketchup
poopyhead = well...poopyhead. He loves to say this. Over and over and over. Like "No I not, poopyhead!" or "I love you mommy, poopyhead!" Bon tries to tell him to stop, but me? I think it's hilarious and have to hide my smile/laughs everytime he says it.

Our realtor said

It never rained in the Carolina's. Hm. The two or three times that we came down to check out houses, it rained. Since we've lived here it's rained at least one day a week. Sometimes two. Apparently it does rain. Lots. I guess North Carolina is not in drought conditions any more. So glad our moving here could help the entire state. :P

And then there are days like this

Waking up at two in the morning from a bad dream. Checking on the kids to make sure they were still okay and spending extra moments memorizing their faces. Telling your husband about the bad dream, only to have the visions in your head. So real. So sad. Much crying before 7 a.m. Still having the heartache of loss. Empty arms, someone missing. The longing for more. Nothing a store could ever sell me, but more of us. Knowing that with more I become a person I don't like to be for 3 months.

Sometimes I wish time would rewind. We could push the minute hand back and set the pendulum swinging. Start over where we were last happy, where haunting visions didn't creep in, where laughing and feeling joy weren't so tiring.

The worst book I've read in a while

It has great reviews, however, not from me. I was so bored reading this book that I would skip chapters that weren't relevant to the book. It's a work of fiction told from the viewpoint of an autistic boy. I have nothing against those with autism, but man, this book was slow! And boring! I even asked some mof's (my online friends) if they had read it, just to see if they could tell me what happened. They hadn't. So I had to finish reading it so I would know, but it was painful. I would not recommend this book.

Ever have those days?

Do you ever have those days where your kids are throwing out one-liners like crazy and you think "I should totally blog about this!"??

But by the time you finish your day and tuck your angelic kids into bed, you forget everything?

Yeah.

Me.either.


I wasn't nearly as productive today as yesterday. I managed to go to the school for the Ident-A-Kid thing, then schlepped over to the post office. The boys were doing quite well and the lady was asking me if I needed any more stamps, etc. Ty saw they had Mickey Mouse stamps and exclaimed "Mickey Mouse Cubhouz!!!" really loud in that tiny post office. The people in line chuckled and the po worker laughed and said, "And we also have Mickey Mouse stamps." lol I think everyone in the building heard Ty. He was really that loud.

Then we went to the library. Which in this town is just a branch of the bigger county library(ies?). So it's pretty tiny. But I have discovered two new authors that I like. Joan Hess and Diane Mott Davidson. Joan has Claire Malloy series which I've read two of so far and they're pretty good. They both write mysteries.

We also found a kids book that I love and the kids loved!

You must check it out!

I think that's all for the night!

Said today

This morning I was telling Bon that I had a weird dream.

"You know those twins from Antique Roadshow that know everything about furniture?"

"yeah. Were you macking and then they'd switch and you didn't know it?"

"what? NO! (that's gross!) Anyway one of them and another lady were at my grandma's house. The lady asked me how long I'd been married and I couldn't quite do the math in my head, so I figured it out to be close to eleven years. Then they guy asked me how old I was and I paused because I couldn't think of it right away. He said he was 38. Then I told him I was 29. Then I woke up."

Weird. Then somehow the topic switched to Chippendale furniture, except Bon was thinking Chippendales, the kind that wear a bow tie and not much else and proceded to make the proper bow chicka wow wow sounds. If I only had some dollar bills....

Ty is exploding with his talking. He talked before, but now he's talking in full out paragraphs it seems. His favorite thing to say lately is "no ur not!" Like I would say "I'm going to change your diaper now!" "No ur not!"

Wow, it's almost been a month.

I swear I post more, but I guess not.

We are now moved, in case you haven't talked to our family since July and didn't know that we sold our house, bought a new house and trekked down to North Carolina.

Reagan started kindergarten on Monday. And on Wednesday she got to ride the bus in the morning. The afternoon ride would be almost 2 hours long! And she lives 5 minutes from the school! So I'll be picking her up in the afternoons. She is enjoying going to school and it's a lot quieter around here without all the arguing between her and Ryan. Bon and I do feel sad though, because she has said that so far this week no one has played with her at recess. Yesterday she just walked around. :( That was heartbreaking to hear. But today she told me she helped a boy named Cody find kids to scare. lol I have no idea what that means. I was trying to figure out if the kids he was scaring were playing with them, but she told me she wasn't playing with them, just helping Cody. Ok...whatever!

The boys get along fairly well while she's at school. Ryan wants me to play with him all the time. I need to break him of that! lol We have some trees behind our house and I sent them out to the "woods" today to explore. They looked so cute out there with thier walking sticks. I really hope there isn't poison ivy out there. (i know, i'm a great mom!)

Bon worked from home on Monday, but since has gone into the office. I dropped by some cookies yesterday. His boss bought his lunch Tues. and Wed. and said that if he works through lunch, she'll buy. I laughed out loud when he told me and said "did you tell her you ALWAYS work through lunch?!" He chuckled and said he didn't. He's gonna get fat with all this food...since his normal diet is no breakfast, maybe a peanut butter sandwich for lunch with doritos and an occasional good dinner. Now he still doesn't eat breakfast, but eating lunch and so far (yeah, all 5-6 days) we've had good dinners. *gasp* I know it's a total shocker that I can actually plan ahead and cook! It shocks me too.

We had a coupon from our realtor for two free hours of handyman services. So some guy came yesterday and was able to hang blinds in the whole upstairs. Yay! We can finally use our master bathroom! Bon took a shower in our shower this morning for the first time. We've been using the hall bathroom. (we aren't completely gross!)

Well, the kids sound like they are getting into lots of trouble downstairs without me. I better check it out.

Another good conversation

The following conversation actually happened while coming home from Grandma and Grandpa's house.

Ryan: Mom, are grandma and grandpa married?
Me: (giggling a little) Yes.
Ryan: Then why don't they have any babies?
Me: (giggling a little harder) Because they already had all their babies.
Ryan: Did they all die??
Me: (full out laughing) No. Daddy is one of their babies.
Ryan: (with total confusion in his voice) Daddy?
Me: Yeah, Daddy was one of grandma and grandpa's babies.

We thought it was so funny, that even though we had just spent several hours there, Bon called them and re-told the conversation to them. Ryan is our weird question asker. And his favorite joke to tell?

Why do gorillas have big holes in their noses?

Because they have big fingers!!

Or the ever popular knock knock joke...

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Cargo cargo.

Although I'm pretty sure in his mind it's "Car Go". And if you couldn't tell, it's completely made up and we follow with the "ah ha ha ha" fake laugh because it's really not funny at all. We're such good parents! ;)

Tomorrow (well, actually today since it's late) I'm dropping the boys off at grandma's house and taking Reagan shopping for school shoes/clothes and to lunch. I've been so worried about her starting school late. She'll almost be a month late in starting and I really hope it's not an issue. There were too many unknowns to register her in Miamisburg schools, which looking back on, I would've done. We've been in this house for a month now and will be here for another week and a half. But as the saying goes, you live and you learn. Or hindsight is always 20/20. Whichever makes more sense.

What you hear during an 8 hour car trip...

A four and five year old repeating this conversation over and over and over...

It's Theodore.

Feodore.

No, it's Theodore.

Feodore.

Theodore.

Feodore.

No, Theodore.

--getting the picture yet?

You'd also hear this from my husband.

"I don't get the mortgage song."

Huh? What?? Mortgage song? Oh, you mean Chasing Pavements by Adele. It's pavements. With a v. Not payments. Silly boy. lol

I wonder what treasures we'll hear on our way back to Dayton.

Another busy week

As if I'm not stressed enough. lol

To catch you up...The week of July 4th, we put the house on the market. Can be shown after July 8th. Get a call on July 8th "can we show your house tomorrow at 10 am?'. Look around me and see the contents of my house basically thrown up in the living room. Um...sure. Freak out. Call my good friend Liz and beg, I mean ask if she could watch my kids while I clean. Clean for 4 hours or so. Go to pick up my kids only 1/3 done on the house. Get the kids in bed and stay up till 3 a.m. (Did I mention that Bon was in Alabama on business??) Up at 7:30 to finish up. (yeah. my house really was that messy!) Gather up the kids and head out for a couple of hours. The house was shown and they offered! Holy crap. So now we have a contract on our house. After one showing. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being really stressed, I'm at a 13. lol (this paragraph was extremely long, sorry!)

Anyway. This week.

Monday: Clean the whole house. As we were going to bed last night, Bon said it was unfortunate that "we had to clean the whole house again." I laughed and paused and said that "we and again" don't really belong in the same sentence. He laughed and agreed and bowed down and kissed my feet.

Just joking.

He didn't bow.

Tuesday: All three kids have their check-ups. I'm a horrible mom and haven't gotten their check-ups on time for a couple of years. And Ty is behind on his vaccs. I know! Horrible. Reagan is worried about getting a shot. But I think it will go okay. Then in the afternoon an inspector is coming. Hence the cleaning today.

Wednesday: A follow up appt with my Ob/gyn. Other than the lightheadedness, I think I'm doing better. Just really still stressed and overwhelmed. But I'm not horribly angry at my kids/life/situation anymore. So that's better, right?

Thursday: nothing planned.

Friday: I'd like to go to Charlotte area and start searching for houses. Bon is going to see about childcare, so I have to wait on him before I plan too much. Having no home is a big stressor for me right now.

So that's it. My little update. I feel better about getting of the computer now, knowing that you all know my schedule. lol

Semi-vegetarian

Tonight the kids were playing around and Ryan tells Reagan he's going to "e@t her me@t". I paused with what I was doing to see where this conversation was going to go.

Reagan: Humans don't eat meat! Only dinosaurs and lions and tigers eat meat!

Ryan seemed to take that news okay since he wished he was "born a dinosaur" instead of being Ryan yesterday.

I guess I'll hold off telling them about those chicken nuggets....

Well, it's official

Our house is on the market. And I am so not ready. Our realtor took a picture of the outside of our house and is coming back next week to take inside shots. So in the meantime, I need to really light a fire under me and de-clutter this place.

This move is really bittersweet for me. I have made more friends in these three years than I have since high school. I am slow to make friends because I'm kinda quirky, smart-alecky, sarcastic, weird and I don't want to scare people away right off the bat. So I tend to hide my true self for a while until they know me better. I'm weirder the longer you know me. ;) I am going to be so sad leaving here. And sadly it's not because I'll be moving away from my family. (Except for my in-laws...I will miss them the most!!) It's because I'll be leaving some great friends. *sniff*

Today was my 6-week checkup that was really 8 weeks. I have a great doctor and I'll be sad to leave him too. lol Physically I'm all healed. I'm doing good. Emotionally, not so good. I feel like I have constant PMS. One minute I'm yelling at my kids for something stupid and the next I'm in tears because I feel so bad for yelling. My emotions are all over the place. And I go through periods of total "I'm so over this greiving process" back into depression of not carrying/holding/rearing this baby. I think about how far along I would be and the movements of what a baby inside feels like. The kicking and hicupping. And it sucks.

So I was prescribed some anti-depressants. The pharmacy closed tonight before I could pick them up, but I am really hoping for some help from them. My doctor told me that I'm supposed to be depressed right now. But if this is interfereing with daily tasks and thoughts, then the medication will help. I was also given a pamplet about PPD. An older nurse, who I think answers the phone when you call the nurse for questions, brought it to me and told me that some of the things in there relate to me, but not all of them, because I don't have the baby at home. Wow. Thanks for that reminder. No wonder you answer the phone and don't deal face to face with the patients. Yikes. Was also given a card for a counselor and support group. I don't know how I feel about calling either of those places yet. It seems like a good idea, but it might be too fresh for me still. I don't know.

Anyway. That's a little update here.

My almost two-year-old can say "soda". Is that sad or what?! lol Except he says it like "sow-a". And he calls Ryan and Reagan by name. But Reagan is usually still Sissy, which is what we all call her. He will now say "one" when asked how old he is and hold up one finger. But then if you ask him how old he's going to be next, he'll say "sree" and hold up his hand with all his fingers up, but kinda tilty. lol It's way cute.

Oh, I almost forgot! My bff Kendra had her baby this past Friday! Olivia Ann was born at 5:48 pm on June 27, 2008. She is the cutest little thing! She's tiny too! 6 lbs. 13.9 oz. Congrats Kendra and Jed!!

How did God make us?

My four year old just asked me this question. This is how the conversation went.

Ryan: How did God make us?

Me: Well, he gave us bodies. And minds.

Ryan: So we can think?

Me: Yup. And he gave us hearts. (thinking that we have hearts to pump blood...you know. The anatomy aspect.)

Ryan: So we can love?

Me: yup. So we can love. (with tears welling up in my eyes)

The conversation continued on for a little bit, but nothing as sweet was said.

Sometimes Ryan is my biggest challenge. I wonder if I'm not showing him enough love, enough compassion. If I'm being too hard on him, expecting too much. I have a great love for him. I hope he knows that. And there are times like these where I'm so glad I see the softer side of my little rough man. :)

ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Ever get that "must move around furniture NOW" feeling? No? Yeah. *cough* Uh....me...either......

No really. The piano has always been against that wall. You swear it was on the other wall yesterday? No. Yesterday was opposite day. Did you miss that memo? And the living room was clean yesterday? Well that's a lie. My living room is never clean. Oh, you mean those boxes weren't laying on the floor there. Well....that's true.

Okay. You caught me. I decided to move around what little furniture we have in our living room. Basically we have our piano, a glider and footstool, a coffee table and a computer desk waiting for storage. And the little table that our computer is currently living on. But I'm liking the change. I'm hoping to get it done and after coming home from a party tonight, I'll walk in and think "self? You did a great job!"

Another change. I checked my email this morning and my bff sent me an email at 4 something this morning. After you get done saying "That's crazy!" in your best Brian Fellows impersonation, she was emailing to let me know she was on her way to the hospital!! Her water broke!! They just might be having their little girl join them today!!! I'm beyond excited! I just called. She's only at a 4, they have the pitocin cranked and she's really cold. And her epi is working good. Let's hope her babe comes today and is easy for her!!

Let's see....anymore changes? Um...no. I think that's my update for today.

Interesting thing....sorta

Last Tuesday morning was an interesting morning. It all started out normal. The kids and I came downstairs and ate breakfast. Then they headed outdoors for playing with "garage toys". Bikes and stuff. I hear a woman's voice ask if their mommy was home and inwardly groaned thinking it was a solicitor. I was still in my pj's, just catching up with my internet life. The doorbell rings and I answer it gearing up for the overpriced magazine "help me get through high school in a safe environment" spiel. When I do open it, I find a woman standing there, not trying to sell me anything, but handing me a bag that has a jar of homemade freezer jam in it. (my favorite, by the way) She lives on the street behind mine and our yards are kind of kitty corner of each other.

Earlier in April while I was outside planting flowers, she had come by, frantic, wondering if she could walk through my yard to see if her dog had gotten under the fence. Later she brought her dog by and said that "Daisy" had squeezed through a different part of the fence and was trapped in another neighbors fenced yard. lol Daisy is smaller than a full-size cat. When she came back the second time, we chatted for a bit. We talked about houses and neighbors, kids, etc. Found out her name is Betsy. lol Mine is Becky. It was a nice conversation.

So back to Tuesday. The jam she had given me was in thanks for letting her go through my yard a couple times to find her dog. I told her it was no problem. She started talking about her days when her kids were younger. She has 4 kids, her youngest just turned 18. She told me stories about how frustrating and challenging it was, yet how much she enjoyed it. She told me she had been up all night with a sick baby and the following morning, after resting and taking it easy, a lady in her church stopped by her house "inspired to pray for her". Betsy said she wanted to say "Pray for me?! Why don't you help me clean?!" It seemed like she understood that moms can't (and shouldn't) have spotless houses all the time. And that there should be no apologies for that. She'd be the kind of person I would let into my house, toys and clothes scattered everywhere, and not feel like I would need to apologize for it. She actually could see into my living room and saw that very scene. Anyway. Towards the end of the conversation (upwards of 1/2 hour) she said she felt like she needed to come over and tell me all that. That having children can be hard, but it is wonderful too. Being a mom can be hard, but the joy outweighs the heartache. She asked if she could give me a hug. As we pulled away from each other, I saw tears in her eyes and I was truly touched by her kindness.

Being kind to others is a gift I think we can all give. It's not hard and it's free. I know I need to work harder at being kind and not so judgmental and critical. I'm grateful for that morning and for the understanding she helped me gain.

Tragic

A girl I "know" from an LDS forum I belong to just flew to Dallas, TX with four of her five children yesterday. They were going to be with family for a month or so. Her husband, who stayed back in Idaho, just died tonight from a massive heart attack. They will be flying home tomorrow. Please keep the Parkin family in your prayers.

Whaddya mean

the garage door won't go down?? Oh, that's right. I see it now. It got unplugged by my kids.

Did I mention it's plugged into the ceiling?

The only conclusion I can come up with is somehow they caught their fishing pole in it while they were "fishing" and pulled it out. Yeah. I'll go with that one.

bedtime

Bedtime.

How I love thee. Blissful sounds of deep breathing and tired sighs.

And here I sit. Soaking in the sound of nothing.

Off I go soon. To clean up messes from today.

How many hours?

First off, I'd like to say hola to Jeanette and Kendra. Jeanette's been doing her blog thing for a while now, but Kendra just started. I kind of keep my blog to myself, not because I'm embarrassed or anything. The reason is more that if you say the word "blog" out here, some people would expect an "excuse me" afterwards thinking you were really enjoying your meal. They are both in my ward and both pretty cool.

Do you ever feel like there are not enough hours in the day to get done the things you want or need to get done? My hours of laziness catch up with me by nightfall when I look around my house and absorb the disaster that my children created but failed to clean up. There's a cute saying that goes: I was the perfect parent...then I had my own kids. To apply that saying to me, I would say: I was a clean person who kept a clean house...until I had 2+ kids. Trying to get our house ready to sell is a big joke. I feel like I've moved out a whole bunch of stuff, but there is literally more stuff to take it's place. And the house doesn't look any cleaner. That's the part that makes me feel like all my work is for naught. (look at me using "big" words.) Lately I've been staying up till the wee hours of morning, just to be alone. Last night I was up until almost 3. Mostly because the mosquito bites on my feet were itching so bad I had to make a Walgreens run at 2 in the a.m. for some anti-itch cream. The toothpaste that I thought I'd try just wasn't cutting it. (You don't want to know what else I tried...) Anyway. Bon called a realtor today and she'd like to do a walk through of the house sometime this week. *sigh* It's just so stressful! I need a fairy godmother to come help me clean and to have things magically disappear. Wouldn't that be nice. :)

Now that it's midnight, I'm off to put laundry away.

Shaken faith

So I won't lie and tell you that my world has been filled with posies and unicorns since the first of May. In fact, it's been quite opposite. My world seemed to be turned upside down and really knocked me flat for a few weeks. My faith in Heavenly Father was really challenged and I was distancing myself from Him. But just in these last two weeks or so, I have remembered things and re-read things that put a spin on my thinking. I am praying again.

One of the things that I finally remembered to ask my husband about was how many people were in the room while we delivered Logan. He said it was just four, as best as he could remember. Me, him, the doctor and a nurse. I asked where the nurse was during this. I know she was in the room, but I do not remember where she stood. But pretend you're laying in bed. Bon was to my left holding my hand. The doctor was to my right, by my knees. I never looked, but always to my right side (closer to me than the doctor) and always to my left (down by my feet) stood a person. Bon thinks the nurse was on my right, but I do remember her moving around, getting things, etc. but never looked directly at her. Even if she moved, though, someone was there. I firmly believe now, that my mom was in that room with us. I believe that she was there to comfort me and give me strength. And oh how that makes me feel. I miss her so much. I hardly knew her, but I miss her.

Another thing that has given me strength has been to re-read my patriarchal blessing. I am promised so many wonderful things if I just have faith. Faith. It seems like such a simple thing to have, but after it's shaken, you realize how delicate it is and how hard it can be for people to hang on to. I know mine almost slipped away. And it's not necessarily that my testimony was shattered, but it was more of a disappointment of a promise not being kept.

I also feel like Heavenly Father is giving me clearer thoughts in some areas too. Lately I'll have something come to mind and either won't do it or put it off. Then when the time has passed, I remember that I had the thought to do it and it's reminding me that the Holy Ghost is still here helping me. I need to heed the promptings and not assume I am in charge all the time. I'm a slow learner sometimes, but lately I have really needed the extra knowledge that He hasn't abandoned me.

I've been feeling blue for a few days. I feel like I'm wallowing in my sorrow, like I should be moved on by now. I know it's okay for me to feel this way though. My family is keeping me hopping. I'm trying to see the joy they give me every day. The way the kids play together, laugh, run, fight. lol It's keeping me solid.

Happy Birthday, Big Guy!

FOUR!!!

It was 4 years ago almost to the minute that I started having contractions. I should realize by now that you will do things your own way and in your own time. Or not at all. ;) You are so excited to have your "golden birthday" and have been telling people for weeks that you'll be four. You are so grown up already that you seem to have been four for a long time now. I had to keep reminding myself that you were only three. You love your sister and little brother. I enjoy watching you play with them and help them. I love to snuggle with you and watch you sleep. That's when you're quietest. ;) Some of your favorite things right now are turkey sandwiches with "white stuff" aka Miracle Whip and mustard, Caillou the most whiniest kid on the cartoon planet, playing with cars, riding your bike and being fast. We're going to have a party for you on Saturday. I'm hoping the weather gets nicer since it's thunderstorming and is supposed to be hot, hot, hot and rainy for the next few days. I hope you are happy. I hope you know how much we love you. I hope you will grow up big and strong and be a daddy, since those are your lofty goals right now. We love you, Ryan.

Newborn



One


Two (this is apparently the only picture I took of you this day! lol)


Three

Here's my last two weeks

It's been very busy. We took a whirlwind trip up to my grandma's house to visit with them. We hadn't been there since Christmas. It was good to see her and my sister. The kids enjoyed having sleepovers, except for the earache and headache that ailed two of my kids in the middle of the night on two different nights. Oh well.
My kids loved the red maple growing in the front yard. I remember when it was planted some 20 years ago and it's just now perfect pre-schooler climbing size. (except they were too chicken to climb it by themselves.)


Ty decided that he needed Grandma-great to wash his feet at the table and then have her put socks (gocks) and shoes (she-oos) on. He sat there patiently as she did this.



Then there was walking with Grandma-great.



We came home for a couple nights and then packed up again to head to Virginia to attend Bon's brother's retirement ceremony. It was very patriotic and I'm so glad that we went. Here's one picture from the ceremony. He's the one on the right. Thanks Bry for serving our country.


The rest of the time in Virginia was fun too. We went to Williamsburg. I'll have to steal some pictures from my sis's-in-law when they post them on our family site.

The kids did get a chance to take a bubble bath in a really big tub. There's about 10 inches of water and then the rest is bubbles.


We left Saturday evening to drive to Charlotte to do some house hunting. We drove around all day Sunday and most of Monday and bored the kids to tears. We found a really lovely neighborhood that we both loved. We can't buy a house until this one sells....so....anyone want to buy our house?? C'mon! You'll love it.

But since we were more south than Ohio, the weather was warmer. It was mid-80's while we were there and the kids wanted to swim. Since I'm not able for a couple more weeks, Bon had to get in the really, really cold pool with them. lol So here's what I did while they swam.

That's right. I lounged. lol

And when I say that the kids swam, really I mean that they mostly hung on to the floaty thing Ty was in while Bon pulled them around.


And here's driving into the neighborhood we loved. Notice the trail across the road? Well that'd be a trail for golf carts. It's kind of nestled between some holes on a golf course, so it's nice and quiet.


Here's the potential lot we'd buy. It's on a cul-de-sac. That's some of the course behind the trees.


And here's the one style of home that we liked, but it probably wouldn't be the one we would build on that lot (if we were to actually buy the lot. I'm trying to be realistic and know that we probably will not live here.) But seriously, look how gorgeous this house is. *sigh*



I'm glad to be home. It was nice to get away and nice to see some of the family. I always have so much fun with Bon's family. It's so much less stressful than being with mine. :)

Maybe not

Maybe I'm not quite ready to be out and among those who really don't grasp the whole "I'm still very sad about this" issue. It's no one's fault, really, that I had to leave the room before bursting into tears. I'm not placing blame on anyone, but seriously if any persons will be discussing ultrasounds and heartbeats around me in the near future, give me ample warning so I can exit before hearing your opinions.

I decided today that I'm going to clean up the kitchen and then get out my sewing machine and make my girl a new dress. Now she's suddenly opposed to pants (which isn't new, but annoying), skirts and most of her dresses. She likes one dress at the moment. Maybe I can whip up one that she'll wear that isn't specifically for Sunday's.

Kind gestures

Today I got a package in the mail. It was from a woman that I've met only once in real life, but she is someone that I have come to love and call a friend by being on an LDS forum together. Our sick and twisted humor/minds get along well and if we didn't live states away from each other, we'd hang out. Often. Anyway....here's what she sent me. It's the Willow Tree "Angel's Embrace" figurine.

I am so grateful for the friendship we have and for her thoughtfulness. If you read my blog, girly, thanks again.

Fire and Rain

When you're feeling down and blue, Fire and Rain by James Taylor will definitely make you cry. Especially if you're grieving the loss of someone. Holy heck.

So I've been trying to get the house ready to sell. I washed all the walls and doors in Reagan's room, spackled the holes, washed her windowsill and screen and caulked around the window ledge thingy. Caulking is not my thing. I'm not too good at it, but it looks a little better. I need to do two or three more things in her room and then it'll be all ready and presentable. Ty's room is next. I usually get geared up to do a big project like that when it's nap time though, so it might be a while before I get to his room. I started some laundry today. That's big for me, in case you just met me and didn't know that I have suddenly realized I hate doing laundry. It's not the sorting, washing, drying and folding that's so bad. It's the putting away. I don't know why that is such a hindrance for me. I also picked up some toys off the basement floor. I'm trying to get the basement all cleaned out except for the couch, tv, some toys and the foosball table. That means bringing up all the boxes that are in the closet under the stairs. I would like to get a storage unit sometime this week. Tomorrow maybe. It's supposed to be nice weather on Saturday. We could spend a few hours unloading our house into a unit and then I wouldn't feel so cluttered.

In case you wonder how I'm doing, since I've become a recluse, is I'm still just so-so. I feel happy moments and can find humor in things, but the weight of sadness still is in me. I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to go anywhere where people know me and will give me sympathetic looks. I want to go to church on Sunday to see the kids sing up front, but I want to go late and leave right after so I won't have to talk to anyone. I feel like I should be over this, but then realize it's only been a week. I looked at the clock this morning and it struck me that it was a week ago exactly that I looked at the clock at the same time after delivering our baby. And I have nothing to show for it. There's nothing there. I have nothing to hold, feed, change, stare at and adore, smell, sleep with. I've struggled with wanting to try again vs. being happy with what we have. I have yet to turn this over to Heavenly Father. I am feeling a little abandoned by Him right now, to be honest. I need to have faith and all that, but now, right now, I just can't exercise that part of my spirit. I will work on exercising my faith when I can shut my eyes and not picture my sadness anymore.

A great loss

Coming home from the hospital without our baby has honestly been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I've really been trying to keep it together. Put on my happy face and come to terms with the reality of the situation. But it really sucks. My kids really don't know anything is different with me. But I can feel a deep sadness that is all-consuming right now. I cry at night after they are in bed so that my tears won't scare them. There is an emptiness that my arms can feel. I know I have many that I could talk to, but right now I'm still not ready. I don't know what feeling ready will be like. I know that Bon is sad too and that breaks my heart into more pieces. They say the first week is the hardest. When the first week is over, I'll have to see if that's true or not.

Haircuts

 
You wouldn't know by the look of it, but this little one Freaked out yesterday while getting his hair cut. That's Freaked with a capital F. I was using the clippers and he did fine while I did the back and sides, but then the hair on top started to go and I seriously needed earplugs. He screamed bloody murder and grabbed at the top of his head trying to stop me. And it's not like I could've stopped with just the sides and back. The top was way long and it would've looked like we were mohawking his hair, but didn't get around to gelling it or something. After his haircut, though, he continued to freak out while I cut Ryan's hair. Ever try holding a crying 21 month old while cutting a 3 year old's hair? Yeah, it's close to impossible. (I did have to put him down, but he continued to scream and hang on my legs.) After we were all done though, he took a two hour nap. From 10:30-12:30. Odd. He sure is cute with his new do.

Frustration

I'm becoming so frustrated with my oldest son. He's 3 (4 in June) and is going through a phase that is so hard for me. He scratches, hits, pinches and will not listen to me. He seems angry a lot and I'm trying really hard to show him love and give him extra time, but all that seems to do is allow more time for him to hit me. He just asked me to do something and I said no and he pinched me really hard. So I grabbed his hand and slapped it hard because I'm so tired of getting beat up by him. I try putting him in the corner or sitting to have a time out, but he kicks at the wall and goes limp and struggles against me. It's wearing me down and I really hope this phase will end soon. This was nothing but a vent.

The past few days

On Wednesday, I called my best friend and asked nicely if she would be willing to come and help me with laundry. Bon has been trying to keep up with it, but when you get to a certain point, it just becomes overwhelming. We were way past that point. She came by and we folded clothes that had been washed and dried but not folded and I started actually putting them away. *gasp* If you know me at all...putting laundry away is the hardest part. I have no idea why, but I hate it. So it just sits. And sits. And sits. We worked on laundry all afternoon and into the evening. I don't know how many loads she has done. She came back yesterday to continue helping. I cleaned a little and another friend of mine (who is my best friend's sister-in-law) came over too, and she helped me clean too. It was so nice to have some cleanness around. Ryan stood on a stool in front of the kitchen sink and said "Why is the kitchen so clean?!" So thanks Anna! I'm still working on the last of the laundry today. I'd like to get it all put away and boxed away (things that are too small for the boys) so that maybe Bon will be a little less stressed when he comes home on Sunday.

And sometimes I think Ty might be my favorite. Seriously, this kid will eat anything I eat. Which is great to me, being in a house of somewhat picky eaters. I made some egg salad for lunch and he sat down beside me and shoveled it in faster than I was. All while saying "mmm..goo!"

For my sister-in-law

Well, there isn't much cool news going on in this household and I don't think this will make you any less bored. :) If all my blog readers didn't know (you know, all you millions out there....) I'm pregnant and losing weight. I think I'm down 16 pounds. Of course, that's still 4 pounds left from the 20 I put on over the course of the late summer/fall. But at least I feel somewhat skinny now. I felt like yarfing all morning, but we desperately needed some groceries, so I loaded the kids and went to Sam's around lunchtime. They talked about tornadoes all the way to and back because it's so windy here and I made the mistake of telling them a storm was blowing in. Reagan is full of questions that I can't answer lately. "Who was the first people born on Earth?" Adam and Eve's kids, right? What were their names? "Does Heavenly Father make tornadoes?" I'm thinking of getting a whole bunch of documentaries about everything and watching them with her so she'll know answers to things. I'd have to watch them so that I would know the answers too.

Also, we are slowly trying to get our house ready for sale. It's a slow process because I feel like crap 90% of the time and it seems whatever I get clean, the kids destroy in a matter of minutes. Projects seem so overwhelming and demanding right now. Plus we have so much crap. I'm envious of people who don't have crap everywhere in their houses. (not literal crap, but just piles of papers and stuff) Bon cleaned up the outside of the house this weekend. He trimmed the shrubs and pulled the old flowers/plants from the flowerbeds and garden. It looks nice. Friday night we went to the church and played games with a few other couples. We (I) broke the news that we would be moving sometime. We will be sad leaving this ward. It's really the only one where we've made good friends.

Well...I don't think I have any more news. The kids say something each day that makes me laugh, but I usually can't remember it. Ty ate half of a hamburger from McDonalds last night. Bon took pictures so that in a year or two when he won't touch hamburger, we can show him that he did indeed like it.

lunch is so over-rated.

If I made a crumb cake at 9, and the kids ate the whole thing over the span of the morning, do I really need to feed them lunch? I think I will wait until they say they are starving and then give them candy. :)

No sauce

My daughter is very anti-sauce, unless it's the cheese sauce from Arby's. And that's basically warmed up cheez-whiz, right? Just now she asked me if they'd had lunch yet. I said no. She said she wanted something that she liked better than spaghetti. She said "oh yeah, that would be Awrby's!" I guess our last minute lunch the other day of curly fries with cheese sauce has stuck with her. It does sound good.... hmm....

so romantic?

I'm unsure if Bon realizes this or not, but telling me that I smell like my grandmas (that would be both of them) is not something I have ever wished to hear. In fact, the next day I went out and bought new shampoo/conditioner and body wash.

Music is what feelings sound like. ~Author Unknown

I love music. I don't love all music, but for the most part I'm game for listening to anything at least once. I think I grew up with this love. I remember sitting by my dad in his pickup truck, driving down the road with the windows open, dust flying around our feet with the radio up loud. He would drum his fingers on his knee to the beat and sing along. I remember looking up at him thinking he was the most handsomest man, so strong and scruffy. I know that he grew up with music in his home. My grandpa could play piano by ear. He could hear a song one time and sit down and play it. Grandpa couldn't read a note, but played beautifully. He also played guitar, but I had never seen him play it. Consequently, both my uncles and my dad could play guitar also. My dad would take his guitar out after building a roaring fire. My sister and I would sit at his feet while he played tunes like "A Boy Named Sue", "Alice's Restaurant", and a song that had "daddy sang bass, momma sang tenor" as part of the lyrics.

Lately I've been feeling nostalgic about my dad. He's changed some in these last 20 years. At least in my mind he has. Mostly for the good. :) He doesn't play his guitar anymore. I don't think he has since the late 80's. But he still listens to music everyday. He still sings along to songs. This past Christmas, at our Smith party, I watched him as he talked with my uncle about this guitar that is at my grandma's house. From what conversation I heard, it was a guitar that my dad had purchased for a gift for his dad. My uncle had learned what some of the symbols and things on the guitar meant and had it plugged into an amp and was strumming some songs. I watched my dad's face as he watched his brother. Awe, enjoyment, pleased, pensive, proud. Words that come to mind when remembering what he looked like as he watched him.

I'm getting a blubbery....and off topic for what I wanted to say. lol Music has such a powerful influence over people and I hope that I can continue to teach and show my children the joy that music can bring. Music is also something that I need to share. I love to sing, but am so shy about doing it in front of others. I have a hard time even singing in front of Bon. I can do silly singing, no problem, but when I'm by myself and losing myself in a song on the radio...that's something I have a hard time sharing with others. This is another one of my goals. To work on overcoming that shyness. I've never done karaoke. Weird. Even horrible singer do karaoke. ;) So this gathering at my friends house, singing along to Singstar 80's...it helped me work on my goal. It was fun. I need to remember that.

You are the music while the music lasts. ~T.S. Eliot

Good friends and fun times

So tonight I went to a friend's house. There were three of us adults and 7 kids running around and it was fun. We played Dance Dance Revolution and then some Singstar 80's. I haven't let myself be myself like that around those friends before and it was fun to just let loose. I sang my little heart out and was shocked that they didn't know all those 80's tunes like I did. I mean, who doesn't know A Little Respect by Erasure? Or Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper? Brass in Pocket by The Pretenders? I kicked tail on that one. She'd never heard of it! Seriously! I shook my head in disbelief. She did keep up with me, though, with Billy Joel's Uptown Girl. ;)

Off to bed. One of my goals this year is to get to bed earlier. So far I'm O - 7. :)