Ever have those days?

Do you ever have those days where your kids are throwing out one-liners like crazy and you think "I should totally blog about this!"??

But by the time you finish your day and tuck your angelic kids into bed, you forget everything?

Yeah.

Me.either.


I wasn't nearly as productive today as yesterday. I managed to go to the school for the Ident-A-Kid thing, then schlepped over to the post office. The boys were doing quite well and the lady was asking me if I needed any more stamps, etc. Ty saw they had Mickey Mouse stamps and exclaimed "Mickey Mouse Cubhouz!!!" really loud in that tiny post office. The people in line chuckled and the po worker laughed and said, "And we also have Mickey Mouse stamps." lol I think everyone in the building heard Ty. He was really that loud.

Then we went to the library. Which in this town is just a branch of the bigger county library(ies?). So it's pretty tiny. But I have discovered two new authors that I like. Joan Hess and Diane Mott Davidson. Joan has Claire Malloy series which I've read two of so far and they're pretty good. They both write mysteries.

We also found a kids book that I love and the kids loved!

You must check it out!

I think that's all for the night!

Said today

This morning I was telling Bon that I had a weird dream.

"You know those twins from Antique Roadshow that know everything about furniture?"

"yeah. Were you macking and then they'd switch and you didn't know it?"

"what? NO! (that's gross!) Anyway one of them and another lady were at my grandma's house. The lady asked me how long I'd been married and I couldn't quite do the math in my head, so I figured it out to be close to eleven years. Then they guy asked me how old I was and I paused because I couldn't think of it right away. He said he was 38. Then I told him I was 29. Then I woke up."

Weird. Then somehow the topic switched to Chippendale furniture, except Bon was thinking Chippendales, the kind that wear a bow tie and not much else and proceded to make the proper bow chicka wow wow sounds. If I only had some dollar bills....

Ty is exploding with his talking. He talked before, but now he's talking in full out paragraphs it seems. His favorite thing to say lately is "no ur not!" Like I would say "I'm going to change your diaper now!" "No ur not!"

Wow, it's almost been a month.

I swear I post more, but I guess not.

We are now moved, in case you haven't talked to our family since July and didn't know that we sold our house, bought a new house and trekked down to North Carolina.

Reagan started kindergarten on Monday. And on Wednesday she got to ride the bus in the morning. The afternoon ride would be almost 2 hours long! And she lives 5 minutes from the school! So I'll be picking her up in the afternoons. She is enjoying going to school and it's a lot quieter around here without all the arguing between her and Ryan. Bon and I do feel sad though, because she has said that so far this week no one has played with her at recess. Yesterday she just walked around. :( That was heartbreaking to hear. But today she told me she helped a boy named Cody find kids to scare. lol I have no idea what that means. I was trying to figure out if the kids he was scaring were playing with them, but she told me she wasn't playing with them, just helping Cody. Ok...whatever!

The boys get along fairly well while she's at school. Ryan wants me to play with him all the time. I need to break him of that! lol We have some trees behind our house and I sent them out to the "woods" today to explore. They looked so cute out there with thier walking sticks. I really hope there isn't poison ivy out there. (i know, i'm a great mom!)

Bon worked from home on Monday, but since has gone into the office. I dropped by some cookies yesterday. His boss bought his lunch Tues. and Wed. and said that if he works through lunch, she'll buy. I laughed out loud when he told me and said "did you tell her you ALWAYS work through lunch?!" He chuckled and said he didn't. He's gonna get fat with all this food...since his normal diet is no breakfast, maybe a peanut butter sandwich for lunch with doritos and an occasional good dinner. Now he still doesn't eat breakfast, but eating lunch and so far (yeah, all 5-6 days) we've had good dinners. *gasp* I know it's a total shocker that I can actually plan ahead and cook! It shocks me too.

We had a coupon from our realtor for two free hours of handyman services. So some guy came yesterday and was able to hang blinds in the whole upstairs. Yay! We can finally use our master bathroom! Bon took a shower in our shower this morning for the first time. We've been using the hall bathroom. (we aren't completely gross!)

Well, the kids sound like they are getting into lots of trouble downstairs without me. I better check it out.

Another good conversation

The following conversation actually happened while coming home from Grandma and Grandpa's house.

Ryan: Mom, are grandma and grandpa married?
Me: (giggling a little) Yes.
Ryan: Then why don't they have any babies?
Me: (giggling a little harder) Because they already had all their babies.
Ryan: Did they all die??
Me: (full out laughing) No. Daddy is one of their babies.
Ryan: (with total confusion in his voice) Daddy?
Me: Yeah, Daddy was one of grandma and grandpa's babies.

We thought it was so funny, that even though we had just spent several hours there, Bon called them and re-told the conversation to them. Ryan is our weird question asker. And his favorite joke to tell?

Why do gorillas have big holes in their noses?

Because they have big fingers!!

Or the ever popular knock knock joke...

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Cargo cargo.

Although I'm pretty sure in his mind it's "Car Go". And if you couldn't tell, it's completely made up and we follow with the "ah ha ha ha" fake laugh because it's really not funny at all. We're such good parents! ;)

Tomorrow (well, actually today since it's late) I'm dropping the boys off at grandma's house and taking Reagan shopping for school shoes/clothes and to lunch. I've been so worried about her starting school late. She'll almost be a month late in starting and I really hope it's not an issue. There were too many unknowns to register her in Miamisburg schools, which looking back on, I would've done. We've been in this house for a month now and will be here for another week and a half. But as the saying goes, you live and you learn. Or hindsight is always 20/20. Whichever makes more sense.

What you hear during an 8 hour car trip...

A four and five year old repeating this conversation over and over and over...

It's Theodore.

Feodore.

No, it's Theodore.

Feodore.

Theodore.

Feodore.

No, Theodore.

--getting the picture yet?

You'd also hear this from my husband.

"I don't get the mortgage song."

Huh? What?? Mortgage song? Oh, you mean Chasing Pavements by Adele. It's pavements. With a v. Not payments. Silly boy. lol

I wonder what treasures we'll hear on our way back to Dayton.

Another busy week

As if I'm not stressed enough. lol

To catch you up...The week of July 4th, we put the house on the market. Can be shown after July 8th. Get a call on July 8th "can we show your house tomorrow at 10 am?'. Look around me and see the contents of my house basically thrown up in the living room. Um...sure. Freak out. Call my good friend Liz and beg, I mean ask if she could watch my kids while I clean. Clean for 4 hours or so. Go to pick up my kids only 1/3 done on the house. Get the kids in bed and stay up till 3 a.m. (Did I mention that Bon was in Alabama on business??) Up at 7:30 to finish up. (yeah. my house really was that messy!) Gather up the kids and head out for a couple of hours. The house was shown and they offered! Holy crap. So now we have a contract on our house. After one showing. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being really stressed, I'm at a 13. lol (this paragraph was extremely long, sorry!)

Anyway. This week.

Monday: Clean the whole house. As we were going to bed last night, Bon said it was unfortunate that "we had to clean the whole house again." I laughed and paused and said that "we and again" don't really belong in the same sentence. He laughed and agreed and bowed down and kissed my feet.

Just joking.

He didn't bow.

Tuesday: All three kids have their check-ups. I'm a horrible mom and haven't gotten their check-ups on time for a couple of years. And Ty is behind on his vaccs. I know! Horrible. Reagan is worried about getting a shot. But I think it will go okay. Then in the afternoon an inspector is coming. Hence the cleaning today.

Wednesday: A follow up appt with my Ob/gyn. Other than the lightheadedness, I think I'm doing better. Just really still stressed and overwhelmed. But I'm not horribly angry at my kids/life/situation anymore. So that's better, right?

Thursday: nothing planned.

Friday: I'd like to go to Charlotte area and start searching for houses. Bon is going to see about childcare, so I have to wait on him before I plan too much. Having no home is a big stressor for me right now.

So that's it. My little update. I feel better about getting of the computer now, knowing that you all know my schedule. lol

Semi-vegetarian

Tonight the kids were playing around and Ryan tells Reagan he's going to "e@t her me@t". I paused with what I was doing to see where this conversation was going to go.

Reagan: Humans don't eat meat! Only dinosaurs and lions and tigers eat meat!

Ryan seemed to take that news okay since he wished he was "born a dinosaur" instead of being Ryan yesterday.

I guess I'll hold off telling them about those chicken nuggets....

Well, it's official

Our house is on the market. And I am so not ready. Our realtor took a picture of the outside of our house and is coming back next week to take inside shots. So in the meantime, I need to really light a fire under me and de-clutter this place.

This move is really bittersweet for me. I have made more friends in these three years than I have since high school. I am slow to make friends because I'm kinda quirky, smart-alecky, sarcastic, weird and I don't want to scare people away right off the bat. So I tend to hide my true self for a while until they know me better. I'm weirder the longer you know me. ;) I am going to be so sad leaving here. And sadly it's not because I'll be moving away from my family. (Except for my in-laws...I will miss them the most!!) It's because I'll be leaving some great friends. *sniff*

Today was my 6-week checkup that was really 8 weeks. I have a great doctor and I'll be sad to leave him too. lol Physically I'm all healed. I'm doing good. Emotionally, not so good. I feel like I have constant PMS. One minute I'm yelling at my kids for something stupid and the next I'm in tears because I feel so bad for yelling. My emotions are all over the place. And I go through periods of total "I'm so over this greiving process" back into depression of not carrying/holding/rearing this baby. I think about how far along I would be and the movements of what a baby inside feels like. The kicking and hicupping. And it sucks.

So I was prescribed some anti-depressants. The pharmacy closed tonight before I could pick them up, but I am really hoping for some help from them. My doctor told me that I'm supposed to be depressed right now. But if this is interfereing with daily tasks and thoughts, then the medication will help. I was also given a pamplet about PPD. An older nurse, who I think answers the phone when you call the nurse for questions, brought it to me and told me that some of the things in there relate to me, but not all of them, because I don't have the baby at home. Wow. Thanks for that reminder. No wonder you answer the phone and don't deal face to face with the patients. Yikes. Was also given a card for a counselor and support group. I don't know how I feel about calling either of those places yet. It seems like a good idea, but it might be too fresh for me still. I don't know.

Anyway. That's a little update here.

My almost two-year-old can say "soda". Is that sad or what?! lol Except he says it like "sow-a". And he calls Ryan and Reagan by name. But Reagan is usually still Sissy, which is what we all call her. He will now say "one" when asked how old he is and hold up one finger. But then if you ask him how old he's going to be next, he'll say "sree" and hold up his hand with all his fingers up, but kinda tilty. lol It's way cute.

Oh, I almost forgot! My bff Kendra had her baby this past Friday! Olivia Ann was born at 5:48 pm on June 27, 2008. She is the cutest little thing! She's tiny too! 6 lbs. 13.9 oz. Congrats Kendra and Jed!!

How did God make us?

My four year old just asked me this question. This is how the conversation went.

Ryan: How did God make us?

Me: Well, he gave us bodies. And minds.

Ryan: So we can think?

Me: Yup. And he gave us hearts. (thinking that we have hearts to pump blood...you know. The anatomy aspect.)

Ryan: So we can love?

Me: yup. So we can love. (with tears welling up in my eyes)

The conversation continued on for a little bit, but nothing as sweet was said.

Sometimes Ryan is my biggest challenge. I wonder if I'm not showing him enough love, enough compassion. If I'm being too hard on him, expecting too much. I have a great love for him. I hope he knows that. And there are times like these where I'm so glad I see the softer side of my little rough man. :)

ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Ever get that "must move around furniture NOW" feeling? No? Yeah. *cough* Uh....me...either......

No really. The piano has always been against that wall. You swear it was on the other wall yesterday? No. Yesterday was opposite day. Did you miss that memo? And the living room was clean yesterday? Well that's a lie. My living room is never clean. Oh, you mean those boxes weren't laying on the floor there. Well....that's true.

Okay. You caught me. I decided to move around what little furniture we have in our living room. Basically we have our piano, a glider and footstool, a coffee table and a computer desk waiting for storage. And the little table that our computer is currently living on. But I'm liking the change. I'm hoping to get it done and after coming home from a party tonight, I'll walk in and think "self? You did a great job!"

Another change. I checked my email this morning and my bff sent me an email at 4 something this morning. After you get done saying "That's crazy!" in your best Brian Fellows impersonation, she was emailing to let me know she was on her way to the hospital!! Her water broke!! They just might be having their little girl join them today!!! I'm beyond excited! I just called. She's only at a 4, they have the pitocin cranked and she's really cold. And her epi is working good. Let's hope her babe comes today and is easy for her!!

Let's see....anymore changes? Um...no. I think that's my update for today.

Interesting thing....sorta

Last Tuesday morning was an interesting morning. It all started out normal. The kids and I came downstairs and ate breakfast. Then they headed outdoors for playing with "garage toys". Bikes and stuff. I hear a woman's voice ask if their mommy was home and inwardly groaned thinking it was a solicitor. I was still in my pj's, just catching up with my internet life. The doorbell rings and I answer it gearing up for the overpriced magazine "help me get through high school in a safe environment" spiel. When I do open it, I find a woman standing there, not trying to sell me anything, but handing me a bag that has a jar of homemade freezer jam in it. (my favorite, by the way) She lives on the street behind mine and our yards are kind of kitty corner of each other.

Earlier in April while I was outside planting flowers, she had come by, frantic, wondering if she could walk through my yard to see if her dog had gotten under the fence. Later she brought her dog by and said that "Daisy" had squeezed through a different part of the fence and was trapped in another neighbors fenced yard. lol Daisy is smaller than a full-size cat. When she came back the second time, we chatted for a bit. We talked about houses and neighbors, kids, etc. Found out her name is Betsy. lol Mine is Becky. It was a nice conversation.

So back to Tuesday. The jam she had given me was in thanks for letting her go through my yard a couple times to find her dog. I told her it was no problem. She started talking about her days when her kids were younger. She has 4 kids, her youngest just turned 18. She told me stories about how frustrating and challenging it was, yet how much she enjoyed it. She told me she had been up all night with a sick baby and the following morning, after resting and taking it easy, a lady in her church stopped by her house "inspired to pray for her". Betsy said she wanted to say "Pray for me?! Why don't you help me clean?!" It seemed like she understood that moms can't (and shouldn't) have spotless houses all the time. And that there should be no apologies for that. She'd be the kind of person I would let into my house, toys and clothes scattered everywhere, and not feel like I would need to apologize for it. She actually could see into my living room and saw that very scene. Anyway. Towards the end of the conversation (upwards of 1/2 hour) she said she felt like she needed to come over and tell me all that. That having children can be hard, but it is wonderful too. Being a mom can be hard, but the joy outweighs the heartache. She asked if she could give me a hug. As we pulled away from each other, I saw tears in her eyes and I was truly touched by her kindness.

Being kind to others is a gift I think we can all give. It's not hard and it's free. I know I need to work harder at being kind and not so judgmental and critical. I'm grateful for that morning and for the understanding she helped me gain.

Tragic

A girl I "know" from an LDS forum I belong to just flew to Dallas, TX with four of her five children yesterday. They were going to be with family for a month or so. Her husband, who stayed back in Idaho, just died tonight from a massive heart attack. They will be flying home tomorrow. Please keep the Parkin family in your prayers.

Whaddya mean

the garage door won't go down?? Oh, that's right. I see it now. It got unplugged by my kids.

Did I mention it's plugged into the ceiling?

The only conclusion I can come up with is somehow they caught their fishing pole in it while they were "fishing" and pulled it out. Yeah. I'll go with that one.

bedtime

Bedtime.

How I love thee. Blissful sounds of deep breathing and tired sighs.

And here I sit. Soaking in the sound of nothing.

Off I go soon. To clean up messes from today.

How many hours?

First off, I'd like to say hola to Jeanette and Kendra. Jeanette's been doing her blog thing for a while now, but Kendra just started. I kind of keep my blog to myself, not because I'm embarrassed or anything. The reason is more that if you say the word "blog" out here, some people would expect an "excuse me" afterwards thinking you were really enjoying your meal. They are both in my ward and both pretty cool.

Do you ever feel like there are not enough hours in the day to get done the things you want or need to get done? My hours of laziness catch up with me by nightfall when I look around my house and absorb the disaster that my children created but failed to clean up. There's a cute saying that goes: I was the perfect parent...then I had my own kids. To apply that saying to me, I would say: I was a clean person who kept a clean house...until I had 2+ kids. Trying to get our house ready to sell is a big joke. I feel like I've moved out a whole bunch of stuff, but there is literally more stuff to take it's place. And the house doesn't look any cleaner. That's the part that makes me feel like all my work is for naught. (look at me using "big" words.) Lately I've been staying up till the wee hours of morning, just to be alone. Last night I was up until almost 3. Mostly because the mosquito bites on my feet were itching so bad I had to make a Walgreens run at 2 in the a.m. for some anti-itch cream. The toothpaste that I thought I'd try just wasn't cutting it. (You don't want to know what else I tried...) Anyway. Bon called a realtor today and she'd like to do a walk through of the house sometime this week. *sigh* It's just so stressful! I need a fairy godmother to come help me clean and to have things magically disappear. Wouldn't that be nice. :)

Now that it's midnight, I'm off to put laundry away.

Shaken faith

So I won't lie and tell you that my world has been filled with posies and unicorns since the first of May. In fact, it's been quite opposite. My world seemed to be turned upside down and really knocked me flat for a few weeks. My faith in Heavenly Father was really challenged and I was distancing myself from Him. But just in these last two weeks or so, I have remembered things and re-read things that put a spin on my thinking. I am praying again.

One of the things that I finally remembered to ask my husband about was how many people were in the room while we delivered Logan. He said it was just four, as best as he could remember. Me, him, the doctor and a nurse. I asked where the nurse was during this. I know she was in the room, but I do not remember where she stood. But pretend you're laying in bed. Bon was to my left holding my hand. The doctor was to my right, by my knees. I never looked, but always to my right side (closer to me than the doctor) and always to my left (down by my feet) stood a person. Bon thinks the nurse was on my right, but I do remember her moving around, getting things, etc. but never looked directly at her. Even if she moved, though, someone was there. I firmly believe now, that my mom was in that room with us. I believe that she was there to comfort me and give me strength. And oh how that makes me feel. I miss her so much. I hardly knew her, but I miss her.

Another thing that has given me strength has been to re-read my patriarchal blessing. I am promised so many wonderful things if I just have faith. Faith. It seems like such a simple thing to have, but after it's shaken, you realize how delicate it is and how hard it can be for people to hang on to. I know mine almost slipped away. And it's not necessarily that my testimony was shattered, but it was more of a disappointment of a promise not being kept.

I also feel like Heavenly Father is giving me clearer thoughts in some areas too. Lately I'll have something come to mind and either won't do it or put it off. Then when the time has passed, I remember that I had the thought to do it and it's reminding me that the Holy Ghost is still here helping me. I need to heed the promptings and not assume I am in charge all the time. I'm a slow learner sometimes, but lately I have really needed the extra knowledge that He hasn't abandoned me.

I've been feeling blue for a few days. I feel like I'm wallowing in my sorrow, like I should be moved on by now. I know it's okay for me to feel this way though. My family is keeping me hopping. I'm trying to see the joy they give me every day. The way the kids play together, laugh, run, fight. lol It's keeping me solid.

Happy Birthday, Big Guy!

FOUR!!!

It was 4 years ago almost to the minute that I started having contractions. I should realize by now that you will do things your own way and in your own time. Or not at all. ;) You are so excited to have your "golden birthday" and have been telling people for weeks that you'll be four. You are so grown up already that you seem to have been four for a long time now. I had to keep reminding myself that you were only three. You love your sister and little brother. I enjoy watching you play with them and help them. I love to snuggle with you and watch you sleep. That's when you're quietest. ;) Some of your favorite things right now are turkey sandwiches with "white stuff" aka Miracle Whip and mustard, Caillou the most whiniest kid on the cartoon planet, playing with cars, riding your bike and being fast. We're going to have a party for you on Saturday. I'm hoping the weather gets nicer since it's thunderstorming and is supposed to be hot, hot, hot and rainy for the next few days. I hope you are happy. I hope you know how much we love you. I hope you will grow up big and strong and be a daddy, since those are your lofty goals right now. We love you, Ryan.

Newborn



One


Two (this is apparently the only picture I took of you this day! lol)


Three

Here's my last two weeks

It's been very busy. We took a whirlwind trip up to my grandma's house to visit with them. We hadn't been there since Christmas. It was good to see her and my sister. The kids enjoyed having sleepovers, except for the earache and headache that ailed two of my kids in the middle of the night on two different nights. Oh well.
My kids loved the red maple growing in the front yard. I remember when it was planted some 20 years ago and it's just now perfect pre-schooler climbing size. (except they were too chicken to climb it by themselves.)


Ty decided that he needed Grandma-great to wash his feet at the table and then have her put socks (gocks) and shoes (she-oos) on. He sat there patiently as she did this.



Then there was walking with Grandma-great.



We came home for a couple nights and then packed up again to head to Virginia to attend Bon's brother's retirement ceremony. It was very patriotic and I'm so glad that we went. Here's one picture from the ceremony. He's the one on the right. Thanks Bry for serving our country.


The rest of the time in Virginia was fun too. We went to Williamsburg. I'll have to steal some pictures from my sis's-in-law when they post them on our family site.

The kids did get a chance to take a bubble bath in a really big tub. There's about 10 inches of water and then the rest is bubbles.


We left Saturday evening to drive to Charlotte to do some house hunting. We drove around all day Sunday and most of Monday and bored the kids to tears. We found a really lovely neighborhood that we both loved. We can't buy a house until this one sells....so....anyone want to buy our house?? C'mon! You'll love it.

But since we were more south than Ohio, the weather was warmer. It was mid-80's while we were there and the kids wanted to swim. Since I'm not able for a couple more weeks, Bon had to get in the really, really cold pool with them. lol So here's what I did while they swam.

That's right. I lounged. lol

And when I say that the kids swam, really I mean that they mostly hung on to the floaty thing Ty was in while Bon pulled them around.


And here's driving into the neighborhood we loved. Notice the trail across the road? Well that'd be a trail for golf carts. It's kind of nestled between some holes on a golf course, so it's nice and quiet.


Here's the potential lot we'd buy. It's on a cul-de-sac. That's some of the course behind the trees.


And here's the one style of home that we liked, but it probably wouldn't be the one we would build on that lot (if we were to actually buy the lot. I'm trying to be realistic and know that we probably will not live here.) But seriously, look how gorgeous this house is. *sigh*



I'm glad to be home. It was nice to get away and nice to see some of the family. I always have so much fun with Bon's family. It's so much less stressful than being with mine. :)

Maybe not

Maybe I'm not quite ready to be out and among those who really don't grasp the whole "I'm still very sad about this" issue. It's no one's fault, really, that I had to leave the room before bursting into tears. I'm not placing blame on anyone, but seriously if any persons will be discussing ultrasounds and heartbeats around me in the near future, give me ample warning so I can exit before hearing your opinions.

I decided today that I'm going to clean up the kitchen and then get out my sewing machine and make my girl a new dress. Now she's suddenly opposed to pants (which isn't new, but annoying), skirts and most of her dresses. She likes one dress at the moment. Maybe I can whip up one that she'll wear that isn't specifically for Sunday's.

Kind gestures

Today I got a package in the mail. It was from a woman that I've met only once in real life, but she is someone that I have come to love and call a friend by being on an LDS forum together. Our sick and twisted humor/minds get along well and if we didn't live states away from each other, we'd hang out. Often. Anyway....here's what she sent me. It's the Willow Tree "Angel's Embrace" figurine.

I am so grateful for the friendship we have and for her thoughtfulness. If you read my blog, girly, thanks again.

Fire and Rain

When you're feeling down and blue, Fire and Rain by James Taylor will definitely make you cry. Especially if you're grieving the loss of someone. Holy heck.

So I've been trying to get the house ready to sell. I washed all the walls and doors in Reagan's room, spackled the holes, washed her windowsill and screen and caulked around the window ledge thingy. Caulking is not my thing. I'm not too good at it, but it looks a little better. I need to do two or three more things in her room and then it'll be all ready and presentable. Ty's room is next. I usually get geared up to do a big project like that when it's nap time though, so it might be a while before I get to his room. I started some laundry today. That's big for me, in case you just met me and didn't know that I have suddenly realized I hate doing laundry. It's not the sorting, washing, drying and folding that's so bad. It's the putting away. I don't know why that is such a hindrance for me. I also picked up some toys off the basement floor. I'm trying to get the basement all cleaned out except for the couch, tv, some toys and the foosball table. That means bringing up all the boxes that are in the closet under the stairs. I would like to get a storage unit sometime this week. Tomorrow maybe. It's supposed to be nice weather on Saturday. We could spend a few hours unloading our house into a unit and then I wouldn't feel so cluttered.

In case you wonder how I'm doing, since I've become a recluse, is I'm still just so-so. I feel happy moments and can find humor in things, but the weight of sadness still is in me. I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to go anywhere where people know me and will give me sympathetic looks. I want to go to church on Sunday to see the kids sing up front, but I want to go late and leave right after so I won't have to talk to anyone. I feel like I should be over this, but then realize it's only been a week. I looked at the clock this morning and it struck me that it was a week ago exactly that I looked at the clock at the same time after delivering our baby. And I have nothing to show for it. There's nothing there. I have nothing to hold, feed, change, stare at and adore, smell, sleep with. I've struggled with wanting to try again vs. being happy with what we have. I have yet to turn this over to Heavenly Father. I am feeling a little abandoned by Him right now, to be honest. I need to have faith and all that, but now, right now, I just can't exercise that part of my spirit. I will work on exercising my faith when I can shut my eyes and not picture my sadness anymore.

A great loss

Coming home from the hospital without our baby has honestly been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I've really been trying to keep it together. Put on my happy face and come to terms with the reality of the situation. But it really sucks. My kids really don't know anything is different with me. But I can feel a deep sadness that is all-consuming right now. I cry at night after they are in bed so that my tears won't scare them. There is an emptiness that my arms can feel. I know I have many that I could talk to, but right now I'm still not ready. I don't know what feeling ready will be like. I know that Bon is sad too and that breaks my heart into more pieces. They say the first week is the hardest. When the first week is over, I'll have to see if that's true or not.

Haircuts

 
You wouldn't know by the look of it, but this little one Freaked out yesterday while getting his hair cut. That's Freaked with a capital F. I was using the clippers and he did fine while I did the back and sides, but then the hair on top started to go and I seriously needed earplugs. He screamed bloody murder and grabbed at the top of his head trying to stop me. And it's not like I could've stopped with just the sides and back. The top was way long and it would've looked like we were mohawking his hair, but didn't get around to gelling it or something. After his haircut, though, he continued to freak out while I cut Ryan's hair. Ever try holding a crying 21 month old while cutting a 3 year old's hair? Yeah, it's close to impossible. (I did have to put him down, but he continued to scream and hang on my legs.) After we were all done though, he took a two hour nap. From 10:30-12:30. Odd. He sure is cute with his new do.

Frustration

I'm becoming so frustrated with my oldest son. He's 3 (4 in June) and is going through a phase that is so hard for me. He scratches, hits, pinches and will not listen to me. He seems angry a lot and I'm trying really hard to show him love and give him extra time, but all that seems to do is allow more time for him to hit me. He just asked me to do something and I said no and he pinched me really hard. So I grabbed his hand and slapped it hard because I'm so tired of getting beat up by him. I try putting him in the corner or sitting to have a time out, but he kicks at the wall and goes limp and struggles against me. It's wearing me down and I really hope this phase will end soon. This was nothing but a vent.

The past few days

On Wednesday, I called my best friend and asked nicely if she would be willing to come and help me with laundry. Bon has been trying to keep up with it, but when you get to a certain point, it just becomes overwhelming. We were way past that point. She came by and we folded clothes that had been washed and dried but not folded and I started actually putting them away. *gasp* If you know me at all...putting laundry away is the hardest part. I have no idea why, but I hate it. So it just sits. And sits. And sits. We worked on laundry all afternoon and into the evening. I don't know how many loads she has done. She came back yesterday to continue helping. I cleaned a little and another friend of mine (who is my best friend's sister-in-law) came over too, and she helped me clean too. It was so nice to have some cleanness around. Ryan stood on a stool in front of the kitchen sink and said "Why is the kitchen so clean?!" So thanks Anna! I'm still working on the last of the laundry today. I'd like to get it all put away and boxed away (things that are too small for the boys) so that maybe Bon will be a little less stressed when he comes home on Sunday.

And sometimes I think Ty might be my favorite. Seriously, this kid will eat anything I eat. Which is great to me, being in a house of somewhat picky eaters. I made some egg salad for lunch and he sat down beside me and shoveled it in faster than I was. All while saying "mmm..goo!"

For my sister-in-law

Well, there isn't much cool news going on in this household and I don't think this will make you any less bored. :) If all my blog readers didn't know (you know, all you millions out there....) I'm pregnant and losing weight. I think I'm down 16 pounds. Of course, that's still 4 pounds left from the 20 I put on over the course of the late summer/fall. But at least I feel somewhat skinny now. I felt like yarfing all morning, but we desperately needed some groceries, so I loaded the kids and went to Sam's around lunchtime. They talked about tornadoes all the way to and back because it's so windy here and I made the mistake of telling them a storm was blowing in. Reagan is full of questions that I can't answer lately. "Who was the first people born on Earth?" Adam and Eve's kids, right? What were their names? "Does Heavenly Father make tornadoes?" I'm thinking of getting a whole bunch of documentaries about everything and watching them with her so she'll know answers to things. I'd have to watch them so that I would know the answers too.

Also, we are slowly trying to get our house ready for sale. It's a slow process because I feel like crap 90% of the time and it seems whatever I get clean, the kids destroy in a matter of minutes. Projects seem so overwhelming and demanding right now. Plus we have so much crap. I'm envious of people who don't have crap everywhere in their houses. (not literal crap, but just piles of papers and stuff) Bon cleaned up the outside of the house this weekend. He trimmed the shrubs and pulled the old flowers/plants from the flowerbeds and garden. It looks nice. Friday night we went to the church and played games with a few other couples. We (I) broke the news that we would be moving sometime. We will be sad leaving this ward. It's really the only one where we've made good friends.

Well...I don't think I have any more news. The kids say something each day that makes me laugh, but I usually can't remember it. Ty ate half of a hamburger from McDonalds last night. Bon took pictures so that in a year or two when he won't touch hamburger, we can show him that he did indeed like it.

lunch is so over-rated.

If I made a crumb cake at 9, and the kids ate the whole thing over the span of the morning, do I really need to feed them lunch? I think I will wait until they say they are starving and then give them candy. :)

No sauce

My daughter is very anti-sauce, unless it's the cheese sauce from Arby's. And that's basically warmed up cheez-whiz, right? Just now she asked me if they'd had lunch yet. I said no. She said she wanted something that she liked better than spaghetti. She said "oh yeah, that would be Awrby's!" I guess our last minute lunch the other day of curly fries with cheese sauce has stuck with her. It does sound good.... hmm....

so romantic?

I'm unsure if Bon realizes this or not, but telling me that I smell like my grandmas (that would be both of them) is not something I have ever wished to hear. In fact, the next day I went out and bought new shampoo/conditioner and body wash.

Music is what feelings sound like. ~Author Unknown

I love music. I don't love all music, but for the most part I'm game for listening to anything at least once. I think I grew up with this love. I remember sitting by my dad in his pickup truck, driving down the road with the windows open, dust flying around our feet with the radio up loud. He would drum his fingers on his knee to the beat and sing along. I remember looking up at him thinking he was the most handsomest man, so strong and scruffy. I know that he grew up with music in his home. My grandpa could play piano by ear. He could hear a song one time and sit down and play it. Grandpa couldn't read a note, but played beautifully. He also played guitar, but I had never seen him play it. Consequently, both my uncles and my dad could play guitar also. My dad would take his guitar out after building a roaring fire. My sister and I would sit at his feet while he played tunes like "A Boy Named Sue", "Alice's Restaurant", and a song that had "daddy sang bass, momma sang tenor" as part of the lyrics.

Lately I've been feeling nostalgic about my dad. He's changed some in these last 20 years. At least in my mind he has. Mostly for the good. :) He doesn't play his guitar anymore. I don't think he has since the late 80's. But he still listens to music everyday. He still sings along to songs. This past Christmas, at our Smith party, I watched him as he talked with my uncle about this guitar that is at my grandma's house. From what conversation I heard, it was a guitar that my dad had purchased for a gift for his dad. My uncle had learned what some of the symbols and things on the guitar meant and had it plugged into an amp and was strumming some songs. I watched my dad's face as he watched his brother. Awe, enjoyment, pleased, pensive, proud. Words that come to mind when remembering what he looked like as he watched him.

I'm getting a blubbery....and off topic for what I wanted to say. lol Music has such a powerful influence over people and I hope that I can continue to teach and show my children the joy that music can bring. Music is also something that I need to share. I love to sing, but am so shy about doing it in front of others. I have a hard time even singing in front of Bon. I can do silly singing, no problem, but when I'm by myself and losing myself in a song on the radio...that's something I have a hard time sharing with others. This is another one of my goals. To work on overcoming that shyness. I've never done karaoke. Weird. Even horrible singer do karaoke. ;) So this gathering at my friends house, singing along to Singstar 80's...it helped me work on my goal. It was fun. I need to remember that.

You are the music while the music lasts. ~T.S. Eliot

Good friends and fun times

So tonight I went to a friend's house. There were three of us adults and 7 kids running around and it was fun. We played Dance Dance Revolution and then some Singstar 80's. I haven't let myself be myself like that around those friends before and it was fun to just let loose. I sang my little heart out and was shocked that they didn't know all those 80's tunes like I did. I mean, who doesn't know A Little Respect by Erasure? Or Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper? Brass in Pocket by The Pretenders? I kicked tail on that one. She'd never heard of it! Seriously! I shook my head in disbelief. She did keep up with me, though, with Billy Joel's Uptown Girl. ;)

Off to bed. One of my goals this year is to get to bed earlier. So far I'm O - 7. :)

Business Time

One of the funniest things I've seen/heard lately.

What's that word??

A couple of weeks ago, we had stake conference. About a week beforehand, I was talking with my mother-in-law (abbrev. = mil) about who would possibly be the new stake presidency. They were reorganizing and we were speculating. She had made a few guesses and I told her that if we went there and her guesses were all correct, I was going to think she was a really good--- and my mind went blank. I couldn't think of the word I wanted to use, but could think of another that I knew was completely wrong. So this is how the conversation played out.

Me: ....think you're a really good....
MIL: Psychic?
Me: Yes! Psychic! That's the word. The only word I could think of was v0yuer and I knew that was totally NOT the right word.
MIL: (bursting into laughter) Ah, I needed a good laugh today!

I got home and typed v0yuer into www.dictionary.com and made sure I knew what it meant and am somewhat shocked at myself for having that word in the forefront of my mind. Especially while talking to my mil!! lol I'm glad she has a good sense of humor.

It's times like these

After having an argument with my sister last night, I'm glad that I married into a normal, loving family. I cried for hours after she hung up on me last night. My husband was confused at why I was crying and all I could say was that it hurt. I don't know what hurt, but it just hurt. It amazes me that after 18 years, she can still hold grudges and be hurt by people. Sure I remember 18 years ago. I remember the change of having our dad remarry and all the changes that occurred after that. I know that we were just "step- children" and that she (the step-mom) really didn't like the way we did anything. My sister was 16 and it was hard on her because she has always had this mothering way about her and having to give that up to some other woman was a struggle. They fought all the time. She moved out and I had a hell of a rough teenage life myself, but to hang on to that for this long is just exhausting. I do think about all the hurt and words that were said to me, like no one would ever love me, I was stupid, etc., etc., but forgiving people is what makes a person move on. My step-mom has changed. She had severe depression, but wasn't diagnosed. I understand that. But my sister hasn't. She continues to hang on to how we were treated. How our dad didn't stand up for us. How everything at that time was all about keeping his marriage alive. It just makes me sad for her. How miserable she must be as a person to hang on to past hurts like that.

So this all started with a conversation about our Christmas with that side of the family and how she doesn't want to go after what happened at our last get together. According to her, our step-mom and our grandma (who really does like to get in everyone's business) jumped on her and told her that she should get a double mastectomy. Honestly I was there and no one ever said anything remotely close to that, but that's how she interpreted what they were trying to say to her. A little back history. Our mom died from breast cancer, our aunt died from ovarian cancer. We are high risk. My sister is 34 and has never been to a gyn. Our mom died when she was 40 when she died. They were trying to tell her that getting check ups were the key to preventing this disease. But my sister is so set in her ways that she thinks she knows her body well enough that if she were to get the disease, she would be able to handle it. Why wait to get the disease? It's like she's just waiting to get cancer. Like she expects it. It makes me sick. She's not married, no kids, doesn't date, lives with our maternal grandmother out in the sticks. She has surrounded herself with old people. And at times I know she blames me. She told me once that I'm living the life she always wanted, but now she's stuck taking care of grandma. I know that Grandma would want her to be happy. Would want her to get out and see people her own age. It's just so frustrating that she thinks she's being all martyr like and really all I see is a sad, old, bitter woman stuck in a 34 year old's body.

I just need to move past this. This is going to occupy my thoughts today I can tell and I really don't want those thoughts in there. I just want some happiness for her, but don't know how to help her find it.

Having manners

I just started a Bunko group for some girls in my ward. Now, you would think that since I picked adults, that they would be considerate and have manners and return phone calls and the like. No. It's crazy! Whatever happened to saying you'll do something and then...I dunno...DOING it??? It's driving me crazy! Don't say "that sounds like fun, oh yeah, I'll be there" and then bail out because you had a bad hair day or you have a hangnail or you feel fat. Bunko isn't like Scrabble where you can play with whoever is there. I'm so pissy about this. Deep breath, deep breath.

24/7

Man. I'm tired of being on-call 24/7. It's hard being a mom sometimes. I want another vacation! I'm pooped!

Right around the corner

I can't believe that Christmas is right around the corner. It seems like just last week was Halloween. Or maybe that's because I'm still sneaking the candy... Anyway, this season of holidays is just flying by and before we know it, it'll be 2008 and off we'll go. We received a hand-me-down Christmas tree from a family in our ward. They had gotten new furniture and the tree was too big for their living room. The kids and I put it up on Sunday and have slowly been decorating it since. I decided to have colored lights on it this year and had to buy more, since the one strand I had was not enough. Our living room is a mess of Christmas stuff scattered and stuffed into the corners. I hope to work on getting the rest of the lights on today.

I feel like time goes too fast. The days are too short and I don't get done the things I need/want to get done. Some things aren't as important as others, but I guess not having any clean underwear can be a problem come shower time. Hm...

Off I go to tame the kids and work my cleaning magic.

Quick thinking leads to fun times

Tonight after dinner, my husband really wanted to have an ice cream sandwich, but didn't want to eat one in front of the kids. So he cut one into four pieces and said that we were going to have a lesson on sharing and we are going to learn how to share. So he picked up a piece and handed it to the kids and said he was sharing with them. After Reagan finished her slice of heaven, she hops up and says "I'm ready to learn some more!" lol Quick!

Then tonight as we are getting our older two in bed, Ryan is crying because he wants the stuffed animal that Reagan has and well...we know how pretty that can be. So Bon comes in with a bouncy ball and tells Ryan that if he stops crying, he can have the glow-in-the-dark bouncy ball. Ryan was immediately silent and awestruck that he could have the ball. He wanted the lights off right away. Bon gives me this panicked look, like "oh crap...it doesn't really glow..." But he shuts off the light and I say to Ryan "oh cool!!! Can you see it?" Ryan's response "no". lol So we say that it's a darker-in-the-dark ball and the darker it is, the darker the ball gets and we are totally playing up how cool that is to have. Ryan bought into it and was asleep in 5 minutes. *phew* We escaped that nightmare!!

Smeared oreos and breakfast cake

That is what happens to be all over my kitchen/dining room floor. But right now, I have no energy to clean it up. Actually, I'm thinking of laying down to "rest my eyes" for a spell. No one is coming to my house today and well...if they did, maybe I would cough really hard to deter them from coming inside.

A random product review: Arby's new toasted subs. The turkey and bacon club is to die for. So yummy! Pair it with some curly fries with cheddar and you're good to go.

The new look

Olivia is great! She helped me achieve the look I desired and I am so grateful! Thank you Olivia!!!

So a little update. The cold. Still hanging around. You think my head would run out of things to put in a tissue, but alas, every 15 minutes I blow my nose. I don't sound so much like a man anymore. My mother-in-law said it was more like Rachel Ray.

The onion smell. It's back. And you want to know what it is? It's the treadmill. Gross. Beyond disgusting. At least when I'm on the treadmill, my nose isn't against the belt. Well...usually anyway. ;)

Turkey trot. I'm "running" in our local Turkey Trot this year with three other girls from my ward and maybe a guy. 5 miles. Holy. Crap. I am so not ready. The one girl's goal is to finish in under an hour, even if it's 59:59. My husband keeps asking me if I'm ready and he knows the answer because he asks it with a huge grin on his face. Yeah, I'm ready to look like a complete idiot. Sure!! I do that well. lol

Bunko. Who knew it was so hard to start a bunko group? Not me, but I do now. We're having our mock night this coming Saturday so that those who have no idea how to play can learn. I'm just excited for the food that people will be bringing. Ahhhh....treats. And I wonder why I'm not losing weight....

I sound like a man.

This cold is kicking my tail! My voice, which I think might be a touch deeper than my husbands, is fading fast. I could easily sing bass notes. Forget that I'm normally a soprano. *pshaw* Who needs to sing soprano when they can belt out the deepest notes possible?! My ears are plugged up too. That makes it hard to hear my kids drone on, um, I mean, ask questions or make comments. I usually say "huh?" and they mumble their words again. My son has a double ear infection, so I'm wondering how well he's hearing. My daughter was acting weirdly tonight. I went up to check on her and she was holding one of my husband's socks and walking around the bed, giggling. Odd. I asked if she was awake and she said yes. But who knows.

Off to lay down with my kid again. Up for the third time in an hour.....

Never

I never realized that a 4 year-old could have so much attitude. And that a 3 year-old could be so ornery. And that a 14 month-old could cry sooo much. Holy heck. I'm slowly going insane. My husband is out of town, so that leaves me to be the sole crazy person. It's Thursday, right? One more day, one more day, one more day....

Gone

The onion smell has gone. I got rid of it. It smells much nicer down here now. Ahh... Wanna know the gross part? No? Oh c'mon. I know you do! It was coming from the drain in the floor that the utility sink drains into. Nice huh. (barf!) I poured bleach down the drain and then hot water and then I ran hot water in the sink for several minutes. Then I plugged up the sink, put in laundry soap, and let it fill up a ways and then let it out. I did that a couple of times. I thought the "flushing" of the drain would get rid of the smell and it did! I'm so happy now!

About the page layout. I am sooooo HTML challenged, that I'm not sure I'll ever get it changed. I do have my header, but other than that.... I'm still thinking about changing it though. ;)

I'm trying to update

the look of my blog, thanks to Lei and others. I'm not a computer savvy person at all, so bear with me. :)

My laundry room smells like onions

And it's really disgusting. I like onions, but I don't want to have a room in my house smelling like them. And the odd part is that it's only on the one half of the room. I guess that means I should clean in there and see where the onion odor is coming from. Please don't let it be a rotten onion. I think I would puke. And if you're wondering why there would be a rotten onion, or any onion in there, it would be because my kitchen and my laundry room used to share the same room. There was a time when my main cooking sources were a toaster oven, microwave and electric skillet. And I did dishes in my utility sink and we stocked up our mini fridge. But then we finished the "real" kitchen and I cook in the basement no more. Although, my son still refers to the laundry room as the kitchen. Anyway...I digress. Onion in the laundry room because it used to bunk with the kitchen. Got it?

I braved life today and we invited one of Reagan's best friends over. They were pretty good and even though Ryan was being a total punk, everyone seemed to get along well. Ryan did come downstairs towards the end of her time here and pouted to me that he didn't have a friend. So I played with him a little and he was okay. After getting the kids in bed, I ran to Target and Helzberg diamonds to see what the charge would be to get my wedding ring resized. My fingers are a little fatter than 8 years ago and wearing my wedding band makes my finger sore. Now I'm home and should be heading to bed soon.

Relaxation...sort of.

Today is the first day in a while where I don't feel like I have a big rush to get something done. It's so nice! I was in charge of our primary's activity on Saturday and being the last minute planner that I am, it went surprisingly well. A few parents said that their kids had a great time. Sometimes I think I get too caught up in doing things that the parents will think is cool and not what the kids will like. This time I tried to not care about that and it went, for the most part, smoothly. As we were leaving the church, it was pouring down rain. I mean the kind of downpour where you run 20 feet and your clothes are drenched. The kids thought it was a blast to have daddy run carrying them and throw them into the back of the van. After we were all in, I realized I forgot to lock the church! Crap! So I was ultra-soaked.

I have so many projects lined up that I don't think I'll ever get them done. I think I need to write them all down and try to have them all done in a certain time frame, or I know I'll never get them done. I'm starting to feel like I need another 12 hours added on to my day, so I can get everything done.

This week is our 8 year anniversary! It seems so weird do have it be that long. Like, when did we become grown-ups?! We aren't old enough to have a 4 year old! And a house and a minivan! Gosh! We will probably celebrate our day on Saturday though, since my husband will be out of town on that day. Plus, Friday night is Bunko night! I'm looking forward to that. Even though I will feel all that anxiety again. I worry too much. Just be me. I need to put that on a magnet or something or have that be my mantra.

I'm trying to clean my whole house this week. Let's see if I can do it! I'm so lazy... lol

Summer break is over

I have had one heckuva busy summer. It went faster than I ever thought it would/could. My kids grew and had fun. I had a vacation by myself, which was great. Came home and took a vacation with the family and that was fun too. Going to the beach is surprisingly fun with three kids aged 4, 3 and 1. I missed my 10 year high school reunion, but got to meet up with an girl I went to school with and she filled me in on most everyone's life. I got my hair cut and my best friend highlighted it. My best friend also had her baby on the 4th of July. Baby William. :) He's cute.

Life has been hard on me lately, but I keep praying that I'll get the strength I need each day and just live it one day at a time. I am planning a Primary Activity for Saturday. It should be fun!

Well, I need to feed my kids lunch. Hopefully I'll keep this going, because I know how much you all missed me. ;)

It's only Tuesday?

Well crap! This week has been anything but nice to me. I'm seriously at the end of my rope with my older two. I can not handle this "testing their independence" stage. Seriously. CAN NOT HANDLE IT!!! Combine that with being over-tired and we have ourselves a humdinger of a craptastic day! My husband is out of town and all I want to do is crawl in a hole and cry. I'm ready for Friday.

Bedtime

It's bedtime. My kids are all sleeping, my husband is gone for work and I should be in bed. But I'm not. I have a horrible habit of staying up waaaaay too late when my husband travels for work and since he's going to be gone a lot this month, this is going to be one heckuva tired May.

I'm staring to get more organized. And I'm loving it! I have the kid's toys in bins in the basement/toy room/family room. Reagan's room is no longer a chaotic mess of toys since taking them all out. All she has in there now are books, stuffed animals and her dress up clothes, which are shoved in a dresser drawer. Ryan has a toybox in his room with odds and ends toys. And our room??? NO TOYS!!! Ahhhhhh.... lol It's great.

This week I hope to accomplish these goals:

• run/exercise 4 times
• put books on bookshelf
• finish laundry AND put it away
• finish cleaning garage
• sell pool on craigslist
• possibly find a push mower on craigslist

If my kids cooperate and I'm not lazy I could do all that plus more. lol :)

A little catching up

Since this is my journal of sorts, I am going to go all the way back to Easter to write something down, before it leaves my memory. This Easter, my dh's niece, Jessie, came to get her patriarchal blessing from Bon's dad. He was just made stake patriarch last stake conference. Now he is able to give blessings to his posterity. Anyway, it was fun to see her and see what a beautiful young woman she is. Easter Sunday was somewhat rushed because of her departure that afternoon from the airport. So we ate a rushed dinner and the kids were being very ornery, so we left grandma and grandpa's house and came home. I had hidden .... I mean, the Easter bunny had hidden some plastic eggs filled with coins and jelly beans down in the basement. Ryan had fallen asleep on the trip home and was still sleeping. So Reagan and I went into the basement to see what we could find. She started finding eggs, gasping "Oh, here's another one! And another one!" and thinking it was sooooo cool that the Easter bunny left them there for her. Then as she would find one, she would suddenly stop and look around and say "The Easter bunny is still here!" like she could kind of see him. I did tell her that the EB was invisible, so I'm guessing she thought this invisible bunny was going around hiding the eggs while we were down there finding them. It was really cute. And afterwards, we sat on the couch and she held her hand out mime style like she was feeling something and told me she could feel it. It was going back and forth in front of her. She was hilarious!

Some peace?

Can I get any? I'm having one of those days where I don't want to talk to anyone and when anyone talks to me, I feel myself becoming more and more impatient and wanting to roll my eyes. I just want to lay in bed and sleep. And I wish my kids would sit quietly and not touch anything or ask for more bubble gum or juice. Right now my son is dumping a piggy bank's worth of coins and I can hear them bouncing on the carpet. I'm really suppressing the urge to tell him to stop, because I tell my kids to stop/be quiet/stop touching me/stop yelling/don't fight all. day. long. Can we rewind this day and start over? PMS sucks rocks.

Hair

Stacy just did a great blog about her many hairstyles. It's so fun to go back through pictures and see the hairstyles and wonder just what in the world we were thinking. I don't have time to go through and do such an extensive list as she has done, but I will do this one.



I was in 4th or 5th grade and thought I looked great! But the hair! Oh my heck! It's poofy and mulletish! And there is so much of it that I could hide a small furry something in there, or maybe even a large furry something. And to go with the big hair, big glasses. Because really, who didn't have big glasses in the 80's?!

Wordless Wednesday

We are an example of normal

We are taking the marriage and family relations course during the Sunday school hour at our church. And well, our teachers are a nice couple, but I am having a really hard time understanding why they are teaching this class. I commented to Bon tonight that it seems we have been getting along better. Not that we were doing poorly before, but we are having a good time and laughing a lot. He said it was because we were in this class....then we both started laughing. Why? Because if you saw the people in this class, you would see that we are the example of normal. And that's kind of scary, especially if you know me. ;)

3 down, 2 to go...

Last weekend Ryan had it. Friday I had it. Friday night Reagan had it. Who's left? Daddy and Ty. That's right folks, Pukefest '07 has come to our home and with the help of Lysol and Clorox, I'm hoping it leaves and avoids contaminating the 2 remaining contestants, um, I mean family members. Spring has finally sprung and I don't want to be stuck inside all day, armed with a bowl, waiting and listening for that gurgly cough. Makes me grumpy. And tired.

There isn't much to post about. OH! Reagan had her birthday and has been telling people that "My mommy says I'm gonna be 4 ALL WEEK!!!" I look at her and am amazed at how much she has grown. The baby chub is going away (maybe because of her pickiness at meal times), she is tall and lanky. And she is beautiful. And she has spunk. Almost daily she'll say something and I'll wonder where she learned/heard/saw that and it hits me that she is really absorbing the things in her environment. My husband said we need to teach her how to pick good friends, because she is such a follower. She loves being around other "big girls" and doing big girl things. She recently told the primary chorister, in front of the whole jr. primary, that "my mom says you don't do it right". Ack! Talk about total embarrassment!! *sigh* Luckily the chorister didn't think much of it, but now every time she starts saying "my mom says" I get a little short of breath and break out in a sweat. :)

I Can

Lei is always inspiring. She writes beautifully and it really makes me wish I had those sort of skills. But I don't. lol. It's midnight and I'm struggling to spell things right. I think I'm hitting backspace more than actual letters for words. Anyway. On to things I can do!

I can bake one heck of a chocolate chip cookie.
I can make milk.
I can sing songs with my children.
I can talk for hours with my best friend.
I can laugh.
I can daydream about organization.
I can play airplane with my kids and get a good leg workout.
I can pray.
I can sing.
I can choose to not be offended.
I can be silly.
I can love deeply.
I can miss greatly.
I can smile at strangers and make them smile back.
I can color with my kids.
I can be.

Happy things

My kids are all asleep at this very moment. Ahhh....peace.

My best friend had her ultrasound yesterday and I saw pictures today and it is so cute! I am so excited for them!

Reagan and Ryan are really good kids. Even though they have meltdowns and tantrums, they listen and mind me about 98% of the time.

I got a whole bunch of material from my mother-in-law. Don't know what I'll make with it, but I've got it!

I went shopping today with her also (my mother-in-law (mil, for short)) and it was fun. My fil (father-in-law) has been working from home a lot lately and it's driving her a little nuts. She was so excited when I called so she could get out of the house and not feel guilty.

I got my dh (dear husband) some new dress/work pants today at Penneys. I hope he like them.

I also got some new tarts to melt in my tart warmer. I love Yankee Candle. I got a new one, at least new to me, that smells divine. Cranberry and something else. mmm....I wish I could suck it in my nose and smell it all the time.

I have a really cute, happy baby. He's getting so big and if I hold him too long, my arms ache. He's a heavyweight. But cute. And smiley. And did I mention cute? ;)

We're supposed to be getting a new carseat shipped to us pdq. When we ordered it, it was backordered and so they said approx. 3 weeks. Tomorrow will be three weeks and I'm really hoping it comes! He's definately outgrown the weight on his infant seat. But not by much. He might be just at the limit.

I was telling my dh some of my gardening plans and he nodded the entire time, agreeing with it all. Hmmm...I wonder if it'll actually happen this year?

Um, that's all I can think of at the moment. My brain is starting to slow down. ;)

 

"She seems a little...."

My title is quoting something I said today, except I'm leaving out what it is that she seems. I don't want people to think too horribly of me. Nor do I want any hate mail or the CIA or something like that showing up on my front doorstep.

But do you ever feel like you should wear a sign that says "I often put my foot in my mouth!" I do. And man, do I. Sometimes I feel like if I'm not putting my foot in my mouth, then I'm saying something totally offensive to someone or saying something that makes me sound like a racist/prejudiced/you name it kinda person. Which I'm totally not. I've put my foot in my mouth a couple of times lately and I'm thinking that maybe I should really just keep my comments to myself. But hey, if you ask for them.... ;)

Sometimes they're up

And sometimes they're down. Just last week, I was having one where I was ready to hand over my mom badge, escape marriage-hood, dye my hair bleach blonde and drive off in the sunset over the edge of the cliff with my friends, Thelma and Louise. I was at my wits end and every bit of patience and lovingness had escaped my ever-lumpy body. I felt as though my medication wasn't working and the only emotion I could show was anger. It was destroying me to see my kids flinch in fear when I started yelling over something dumb, but I just couldn't control it. I wanted out. I needed it gone. Monday, which was the worst of the worst, was the turning point. I had asked my dh the previous week for a blessing. After a trying day, I finally got it and life didn't seem so dreary after that. Focus on the gospel and the happiness it brings. It brought me such comfort and I haven't been nearly as angry. I have found joy in simple things like dancing around the bedroom with my kids. I kind of like my kids a little bit more. ;) So moods. Sometimes they're up and sometimes they're down.

Longest month

I think January is the longest month. My husband claims that his business slows down in the winter, but he has been awfully busy this month. And I'm getting tired of it. He was overseas two weeks ago. Last week he had a guy up from the U.S. office and was "training" him. He was home every night, but when he has people in town, it's like he's not really here anyway. Then this week he's been in Michigan. He gets back tomorrow, but it'll probably be late after the kids are in bed (or on our floor which they claim they like better than their beds). It's exhausting for me when he's out of town. I can't sleep and then I'm up with the kids. Sometimes I can manage to get a nap in, but not all the time. My two-year-old has decided that I'm not an authority figure he needs to listen to. And my three-year-old asks off the wall questions all day long and talks non-stop. I think that's part of the "girl" thing. Today her question/comment was about why she couldn't feel Jesus if he was in her heart. She was pushing on her belly trying to feel Him. Oy vey.

Well, my kids are in destruction mode. My throat hurts from yelling at them while vacuuming. Don't ask...I was ready for bed when I woke up.

Things I got done today

• After much begging by my girl, we made spritz cookies this morning. My older two decorated them with colored sugar before baking and I think we made about a million.
  
• I cleaned the two full-baths today. I even had to re-scrub the floor in one because it smelled like dirty butt. It was gross. It didn't smell like dirty butt when I started cleaning the first time, but after washing it. Go figure!
  
• I picked up the laundry off my bedroom floor that has been there since oh...November! and *gasp* put. it. away!!! "No way!" you say. And to that I say "Yeah way!"
  
• And then I vacuumed said floor. Yeah. Go ahead. I know you want to do the whole Elaine from Seinfeld 'Get out!' complete with a push. I'll brace myself.
  
• I also washed the dishes.
  
• And made dinner.
  

So what that I didn't shower or even put a bra on today. I cleaned. Seriously folks, I could start a trend around here. And just to get some bonus points...today's dinner was the third (that's a 3 with an rd after it) dinner I've made this week....in a row. I know, I know. I'm such the homemaker....

I ain't no redneck

I read over my list this morning and realized that I sound like a total redneck, white-trash, trailer park, wife beater wearing momma. And I just wanted to let you know that I'm not. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I'm not. I'm fairly normal.

See, here's a picture of me (albeit bad) with my kiddos. I realize that my face looks huge and my glasses are glaring and my daughter has horrible red-eye and you can't even see my older son's eyes because he's smiling so nicely, but hey, you get what you get.

Things you may...or may not know about me

I've been lacking in my blog. I need witty. I need you to see me. I read other well-written, witty and charming blogs and I think to myself "I totally think like that! I could've written that if I weren't so not funny when I write!" So I decided to do a list of things about me that you may or may not know. I don't know how long it'll be, but it'll be.

1. I love laughing.
2. I love reading good books.
3. I love hearing my baby fart. It means he'll be less grouchy.
4. I'm not good at making my baby laugh.
5. I wish I was.
6. If I could be shorter or thinner, I'd choose shorter.
7. I have been craving ice cream. Chocolate to be precise.
8. I don't really have a favorite number. and it's annoying when people ask what it is, because really, who has a favorite number and why?? I just don't understand the whole favorite number craze...
9. I wish that I liked my sister better.
10. I hope she never finds my blog. lol
11. I share a middle name with my grandmother.
12. I am rarely full. I love, love, love to eat.
13. But I'm shy about it because I feel like too much of a pig because I could easily eat more than my husband.
14. Which is probably why I weigh 25 pounds more than him.
15. I'm not a huge fan of horses.
16. I love roller coasters.
17. I love to bake.
18. I wish I wasn't so lazy.
19. But I'm too lazy to do anything about it.
20. I usually feel inferior around people because I didn't go to college.
21. Call me crazy.
22. I usually only brush my teeth once a day. (eww, gross!)
23. But at least it's in the morning.
24. Now if anyone reads this and they know me they'll be checking out my teeth to see how nasty they are, and they'll be surprised because they aren't nasty. :)
25. And I'll post more later.

Finished....and messy

Living room













Kitchen from dining room











Dining room and kitchen from kitchen. We also were suprised with a new fridge from one of Bon's sisters. It's way nice and I love it. And her. :)
p.s. I hope this format is okay. I can't tell how it's going to post. :)


 

Par-tay!

Have I mentioned that I love this time of year? And did I mention that I'm extra excited because my kitchen/living room is done? I don't care that we don't have a stitch of furniture for our living room, I'm just happy that it's liveable now. *sigh*

So, today at church, I get this grand idea to have a cookie decorating party at our house on Friday. I casually mentioned this to Bon yesterday, and he suggested inviting a less-active family in our ward that has children around the same age as our older two. But the party I suggested to Bon was a gingerbread house making party, which would be harder and you wouldn't invite a lot of people to unless you had lots of space. I digress...anyway....today as I remind people about the mommy and me group at my house on Thursday, I also invite them to the cookie decorating party. Bon asked who all I invited. Um, the W family, the B's, the B's, the A's, the M's, the G's, the R's...I think that's it. lol And now I can think of 3 more families that weren't there that I wanted to invite. But it will be so much fun!! I can get games out and make punch and we'll decorate and eat cookies and visit and it'll be so much fun! Wanna come? :)

Today we had tithing settlement. As we sat there with our bishop, he told us how much he loved us and loved what we are doing, being active in the church and raising a family. He teared up while telling us and it was just neat to hear that coming from him. I thought for the longest time that he didn't even know who I was. lol Silly, I guess. He has a neat family and the more I get to know his wife, the more I realize how much of a super, super nice person she is. When our youngest was blessed, she wrote down the key things that my dh had said in his blessing. I thanked her and she told me that she wished that someone would've done that for her when her children were blessed, so she tries to do that for others. Aw. :) So sweet!

I'll go snap some pictures of my kitchen, mess and all. Just for you loyal readers. ;) lol

Christmas

I can't believe how fast Christmas has come this year. And the whole Christmas Eve on Sunday thing is throwing me off too. I am so excited for Christmas this year. Our kitchen is done and I can bake until I burst! I *LOVE* to bake! I love eating what I bake too! :) The kids are excited for Santa and the possibility of getting gifts. R-girl is asking for everything under the sun and then says "I hope Santa will bring me that!" with a hopeful tune. Now I just need to be a little more organized and actually get more things for gift-giving. We are having Christmas with my mom and dad this Saturday. Should be fun!

gotta go. My tummy's rumbling! :)

Some things I've learned

1. When you get motivated to rearrange/clean your bedroom, it won't get done in one day. Especially if you have kids. Plan on it taking a week or so.

2. Trying to take a relaxing bath while all three kids are awake is not relaxing at all. If you want it to be relaxing, make sure you have a lock on your door and make sure your door actually closes. Or try taking a bath on another level in the house, or a completely different house...

3. If you are trying to be sexy, let the whipped cream warm up first. Nothing says "I love you" like fresh from the fridge whipped cream on your *ahem* personal-sensitive-to-cold-areas.

This week is way busy for me. I don't even know if I'll be able to get it all done. But yet, it needs to be done, so I will try my darndest. As Tigger says "TTFN! Ta Ta for now!"

Sweet! I've been tagged!

I feel so popular! lol Thanks, Olivia!

What do you like most about where you live?
I like that we have 4 seasons and that this town (and especially the ward (church congregation) that I'm in now has a very small town feel to it. It's like everyone grew up here and/or has family that's here. I didn't like the smallness of it when we first moved in, but now it's comforting.

Is there anything strange about where you live?
I can't think of anything too odd. Oh, except for the fact that even though I'm only 15 minutes south of another "big" city, people make it seem like it's reeeaaaalllly far away. Like "oh, I've never really been there. It's so far away." huh? oookay freak. lol

What is one of your all time favorite music albums and why?
Here's an off the wall one. EMF-Schubert Dip. I have this on cassette tape and have had it for 10 years. I would love to get it on cd. Whenever I play it, I just love to sing along and dance around like an idiot. It's a good "I'm really mad and need to clean the whole house ceiling to floor" music too.

Did you have a passion for something as a kid that you still have now? (if not, what is one of your passions now?)
I wish I could say that I have something I'm passionate about. I really like to do things, but there really isn't anything I'm passionate about. I'm trying to change that about myself. I do like to read and sew and bake. What incredibly boring things to do, but it's the truth. I loved to read while growing up and I started to love baking in high school, so I guess that has carried on.

What do you like most about having a blog?
I like getting comments. I haven't been blogging to much because I've been busy lately with three kids three and under, but hey. Throw me a bone, would ya?! ;) I like that it can be my journal without having to spend an hour or two writing things down and getting a hand cramp.

Who am I tagging?
Melissa at http://theattorneyswidow.blogspot.com/
Doulabean at http://justonedayatatime.blogspot.com/
and
Taffi at http://taffisblog.blogsome.com/

Have fun!